p-olaroidmemento.bs.com

2011-11-11T18:45:00.001+08:00

long time since I last wrote something, huh?

O Level's ending soon.

Friday, 4/11/11

my iPhone 4S White 64Gb. :)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/313308_2351328096022_1034712960_2597934_620295484_n.jpg

2011-10-02T10:30:00.002+08:00

O Level is quite near now.

I've Science Practical on 20th October, then followed by other papers.

My DPA is successful. I am just afraid I still can't make it to Polytechnic with that DPA.

I am taking two Humanities subjects. Full Geography and Combined Humanities.

They worry me most.

I give up on my Mother Tongue and Additional Mathematics.

Subjects which I doubt I can clean up within such short time.

2011-09-04T10:10:00.002+08:00

... with my thumbs crossed on the touch screen blogging,
I am thinking of what to write.

I've been a quite different self lately.
Blogging may be a good way to let things out.
Maybe, I am getting quite brought down by my O Level Mother Tongue result, D7.
My peers are doing much better suddenly.
I am sick of studying.
I am so limited.
I am so screwed of the coldness of everyone.
All my peers are running towards the same aim.
It is either I make it or I don't.
My only fear is to end up in ITE.
It is that hard. The feeling to see everyone overtaking me isn't pleasant.
My silence of nothingness as I think through.
I don't want to compare results.
I am a waste.
I am now to see peers running to the end.
Life is unfair to me.
Unless I am that smart.
The remaining papers start near mid October to early November.
I don't feel charged. I am living a little colder.
I compared a lot. I am feeling down.
Very upset.

2011-08-18T17:49:00.002+08:00

never thought I got rid of her just with my words,
deleted every texts with that number.
I feel so betrayed.
I can't stand the pressure stacked on top.
failed my O Level Chinese with a D7.
this must be the biggest blow.
I hate her, oh Jesus.
She is the god damn heartbreaker, I made the biggest joke of my life.
Who needs her cold? So hidden inside, it finally reveals itself, I was already betrayed by her.
too blind to have taken pain for her. I feel so betrayed.
head to toe, I am a fool, a damn fool.
You are a heartbreaker, oh god.
You betrayed me, girl.
I am so lost.
Lost in the failures I made.
I was never worth standing.

2011-08-13T14:40:00.002+08:00

I've been getting very sick of being myself.
I never thought that I will be seeing it like that.
Anyone can come up here.
Anyone can share with others about me.
There is nothing I can look forward to.
It is the old boring things, I feel like I am a nothing.
I don't see a meaning in life.
Looking at myself, I doubt I can be anywhere.
What's my point in this life?
I feel so destroyed, whenever I think of the same thing.
It proves worthlessness. From 0 to today of age, I found out living is getting bad.
I am a nothing of all the things made up me till today.
I hate myself.
Anyone can read.
Anyone can share about me with others.
It is pointless living on.
I lost all the things I want to achieve badly, lost all the things.
I am useless, I am not given a point to live at the first place.
I hate being myself.
Because I am nothing standing out there.
I ALWAYS GET TEAR DOWN TO THE BOTTOM FOR WHOSE SAKE?!
Exactly, whose sake?
I want to die. I don't worth a thing.
Why is it that I always fall to the ground and nothing gains?
I am very unhappy, and I hate myself.
Where is the point to move forward?
Give me a reason to live.
Where am I going?
Why is my life like this?
Why is it that 'she' is always the cause of my pressure?
What am I expecting of myself?
Why is it that I feel I am below expectation?
What's life to me now?
What's life about?
Why is it me?!
Why is it that I feel my life is more pointless than hers and everyone else's?
I am worthless, right?
Why because of her that I feel I am a nothing in everything I do?
Get the fuck straight, why because of her that I feel worthlessness again and again?
Why am I feeling this and gains nothing from it?
What's the point of this?
Why is it weakening me because of her?
Does she knows that?
I achieve nothing.
Why is it that I living a bad life?
Why do I feel like a nothing again and again?
Why I cannot get enough of thinking how much I can do?
Why am I doing so worthlessly in everything?
Why does she make me feel worthless?
Why am I not doing well in life?
WHY THE FUCK AM I FEELING THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
I can't take it anymore. I am worthless.

2011-08-12T21:09:00.003+08:00

TIFFANY ALVORD!
I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THESE HER COVERS AND ORIGINAL SONGS. :D

2011-08-09T22:44:00.002+08:00

Well, today is National Day.
I have E Maths and Chemistry Prelims on Thursday, and Elective History on Friday.
Tomorrow is the last day of the five days break. Time flies.
Yes, I didn't study in the past days. I guess I better start tomorrow.
Being a secondary 4 student is pressurising.
Everything gets so dry, my mood of studying drains out.
In this break, I was just using the computer and watching TV programmes.
Basically, as my usual habit, I always keep my computer clean with a software which can clear cache and registries of programmes.
I also update my computer's restore point a few times a day.

Anyway, I came here to write because I am feeling uneasy, insecure, a miss out of something and dissapointment in myself.
Let me start from the last point above.
I am not even 16, and taking O Levels just like my friends/classmates going to.
A lot of the times, I feel betrayed in studies.
After each exam, I compare results with those foreign students (1-3 years older) whose results are better than locals.
I compare with them because I am the 2nd/3rd top local student.
I just feel useless, and always unhappy over studies.
It is demoralising to me, that this questions me whether will what I can give get me in the Polytechnic.
Being intelligent or not, people cannot change.
I study, unlike those who really do not.
I feel like I am nothing, when I see that I cannot defeat.

combining uneasiness and insecurity...
I am not a genius. I am not talented in anyway.
However un-special I am, I still like same girl.
Unsure, and I still have feelings her. I wonder why.
I am incomparable to her.
She is pretty. Wealthier, lives in condo. Leadership, with school results around my standard.
Times, her results overtake mine or fall a bit below.
I do hear guys talking about her in her absence, and I don't like it.
It all seemed like they were trying act like they know her from top to bottom, I hate it.
I don't like to hear people somehow talk/gossip about her in her absence.
Jealousy isn't this, while the following is.
It is positive that I dislike to guys waving at her when I am right behind.
I look aside.
Yes, honestly, right behind.
I may not be a huge worth.
But I am always protecting her in every angle of my eyes.
Sight is a protection itself, force is the secondary.
I know I can't stop to protect someone I do care inside.

I want her know in whatever ways I am worthless,
and that when she wants guarding, I will be at my best to be there.
I am not perfect, maybe broken at times, I will still protect her.

2011-08-07T11:35:00.003+08:00

I really hope you love Christina Grimmie's songs I added.
Relaxing listening, isn't it?

Having a 5 consecutive days of break.
Weekend, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
Just completed Real Racing 2 on my iPod.
Just bought NFS Shift 2 Unleashed on iPod, not as realistic though.
I've 8 paid racing games in it.
29.3GB of space, now left with 8.1GB.
I've a lot of apps, music and videos inside.
It is my most precious iPod.
Spent pretty much on apps in it.
Anyway, having my prelims now.
O Level is just like 3 months away...

2011-07-24T10:21:00.002+08:00

I just had my O Level Mother Tongue Listening Comprehension on Tuesday and English Preliminary Exam on Friday.
The LC was easy, hopefully I got only one mistake.
I also hope that I will pass my O Level Mother Tongue.
Just a pass will do, I am weak in my MT all along.
The result for O Level MT will come out next month, which it is pretty soon.
If I pass, I've cleared my MT.

Subjects that I will focus for O Level are :
E Math, Combined Science, Combined Humanities, and Core Geography.

I've been shortlisted for DPA from Singapore Polytechnic.
1 August 2011, Monday at 1630
A partly success.
But still I better present myself well when I am there.
It has a cut off point of 17, which is pretty hard to even get in for me.
Since they seem to see the talent I have, I better hold the chance properly.
I am just not very confident of getting in SP with my O Level results.
IT course of COP 17 is pretty low, it is hard for me.
People in my school rarely go to SP, because its higher standard.
my place there depends on the interview itself on that day...

2011-07-13T23:18:00.002+08:00

Humans is constantly dissatisfied of what they have.
We take things for granted, I take things for granted.
We all want to be better and not being just satisfied.
We aren't the starving Africans, we hack through to achieve anything.
Do you know why? It is Singapore, an urban city.
We can't be always worried about small little things like the three meals we have everyday, because we've other bigger things to achieve.
How about starving yourself for three days and then go for your examinations?
Is that the way to also let people learn not to take things for granted?
A city is like that, sometimes talking about taking things for granted is like back to the foundation of hunger.
Everybody has their part to worry, one can't worry about everything.
When one worries about everything, he must be the perfect man on Earth of not taking anything for granted?

We live on to achieve things which are better, eventually things are taken for granted this way.

2011-07-11T19:44:00.001+08:00

What I want to say is 'someone' before...transformed me
as time goes, my gratefulness for that person fades
i was a very gloomy person, though to you, I am already one now
i mean even darker than who i am now, that was me
...she made a difference, i changed because she was there
may not be for me, but I know she was there...

she was the one who brought me out of that really dark room
something I really thought repaying her, but couldn't think of anything that worth her effort
...really wondering of how will I be doing now without her
i did be even darker...

2011-07-08T23:00:00.000+08:00

I've been worn out lately, pretty much worn out.
I had my O Level Chinese oral today.
It was screwed, so did my mood.

I don't know what the hell am I thinking.
The think I know now is that I am tired.
I feel like I am nothing.
Everything is screwing me up lately, I am such a useless tool.
I am at my limit and I AM TIRED.
Physically and mentally tired.
I pushing myself to be someone I...I can't be...

Sometimes, I am out words to explain my thoughts.
Frantically, I am digging out words for people to feel the way I felt.
But they never did.
I am breathless.
I hate myself.
BECAUSE I BLOODY FUCKING CAN'T THINK A WAY OUT OF THE CRAP I AM IN.
I never thought I did be so weak at dealing with pressure.

I thought I did the spend the whole of tonight crying in bed.
I can't take it anymore.

I...I've liking this girl so long...
I FEEL SO FUCKING USELESS, I WISH I DARE TO KILL MYSELF NOW.
FUCK MAN, FUCK. FUCK THIS FEELING
I won't be left with anything at the end anyway, nothing will left for me.
I feel like cutting and scream it out, I can't take it anymore.
I shouldn't have fall for her, I shouldn't.
It fucks me alright now.
I hate myself, I want to die.
No one understands, I am tired.
I couldn't think of a way of having my tears now marked up here.
Everything is fucking me up.
Studies and her...making me feel so useless.

People can laugh at me, but no one knows what I capable of doing for her.
I want to protect her.
I did try have her laughing at me, and cry.
Honestly speaking, I never felt so worn out.
I feel like dying.
Tears can't be marked up here, but this feeling is terrible.
I am a useless and hopeless dying soul.

2011-07-03T11:30:00.002+08:00

Just watched Transformers 3 with family yesterday.

It was really nice.

Rosie Huntington is really pretty.

A really metallic movie.

I recommend this movie.

A must to watch.

195 million bucks movie...

Luckily, I made an effort to go down buy the tickets hours before the movie.

It was already 3/4 occupied.

The queue was really long, and seats are taken very quickly.

This movie is really very popular.

I also exchanged my faulty NFS ProStreet, it is working now.

O Level is approaching...

It is time to work hard...

Dad is intending to resign his job this coming week...which I don't approve...

Like that, I've to wake up very early in the morning to go to school.

Sigh...

2011-06-26T10:55:00.001+08:00

My 4 weeks school holiday has come to an end.
Just going back to school tomorrow.
A lot of assignments not done.
It must the late sleep I took last night, over 2am, my mind is exhausted.
O Level is just 4 months away, counting down isn't fun.
I am conscious of what I was and am doing, and just hoping for the best out of this.
I am not like people who always study during their free time.
I guess I need a better life than studying dead.
Mr. Lee Kuan Yew ever said that children whose parents are at least university graduates have a better learning environment.
It is true, children are much smarter when their parents university graduates.
Life is much more easier for them too.
But breaking it myself that I am not in that situation and also that I am not gifted, it is not easy.
Moreover, they are leveling the O Level standard every year.
Talking about 5 years ago, it was pretty easy.
Talking about 9-10 years ago, it was even easier.
Talking about 1-3 years back, it was hard.
I thought it would be good to be smarter.
I am already in this generation when I have to take the hard papers.
Am I prepared? Not much.

I don't know how will I do.
I feel so useless. I asked what is the point of living when life is bad.
'alot of people don't know the point of living, but they still live on'
There are a lot of people worse than me.
I thought of what am I good for.
My silence can mean that I don't want to attend to life.
My silence can mean that I am generating negativism.
I can barely break through what I want in living.
My silence can mean that I am giving up
My silence can lead to this sharp piercing in my heart, I knew I am falling apart.
I rub hard away as my tears drop.
I thought it would be better to be smarter than who I am.
I am very unhappy about living.
Do you think I am like you?
Live on as time goes? Live on as things come?
I give up. O Level isn't easy now, I prepared nothing.
I am nothing. I thought it would be good to be smarter.

2011-06-23T18:18:00.001+08:00

June 2011...
I am feeling pretty worn out now.
Feeling Moody that the 4 weeks school holiday is ending, I am going back to school next Monday.
I bought 'the host' by Stephenie Meyer last Saturday.
I completed reading today, leave 3 chapters or so unread.
Since I got the full story already, it better I stop reading till the end.
Because I think I will really cry reading it till the end.
Passionate, thrilling, sympathetizing, fear, risk-taking, terrifying and romance.
It is an really epic novel, you guys should read it.
My eyes welled several times when reading it, certain parts of it.
It very touching. Such authors should be honored than just being appreciated for their work.
'the host' is better than 'the twilight saga"
They are filming "the host" now, just started. The movie will only be up in 2012 or 2013.
A long wait, I know. I can't wait either, especially when I saw the cast for Melanie.
The actress is so pretty, oh dear. A year older than me, born 1994.
I was spamming on Facebook as I read the book along.
It triggers my emotions very well. It surprised me.

I wrote on Facebook that I am screwed.
I guess I am.
I chatted with Ken about these things on msn:
I wasted the 4 weeks school holiday away when this year I'm taking my O Level.
I can recall a lot of the assignments not done.
I didn't do any revisions.
I haven't even started my assignments.
I remembered the days when I chatted with him about her. (Sigh, I almost slipped her name out here.)
It doesn't matter whether I still do like her anymore.
I am taking my O Level this year.
She is nothing, why would I like her when she is just my classmate competing with my results.
It feels very pressurized, whenever I see her doing better than for certain subjects.
Ken told me he felt the same way too.
I even told him that 'girls never like guys who aren't smart' and he gave a link saying 'guys also don't like girls smarter than himself'.
I continued with 'or else he can't hold his dignity.'
I am screwed, I wasted the 4 week school holiday away just like that.
When teachers told us to make full use of it.

I am just sad now. Assignments not done, haven't even started on both assignments and revisions.
Hope I will get better tomorrow and start to do them.
Damn depress. I guess it must be the habit of taking a nap in afternoon and I didn't today.
I am screwed.

2011-06-14T17:45:00.003+08:00

I never expect things to be the way it is now.

I just don't like to be still that position.

It is very upsetting.

I am upset, I abandoned my authority and go without authority now.

My mind is much more peaceful without authority on me, I don't have to worry about anything.

People don't depend on me so much because I don't have the power.

My mind is at ease, I don't feel so pressured.

I hate yesterday night.

2011-06-12T21:36:00.002+08:00

I am having my school holiday now.

Stunt Planet server is down, because our host has been attacked.

A lot of other servers under the host are affected.

I bought Logitech Rumble Gamepad F510 and a external-powered USB Hub yesterday.

The gamepad is kinda cool, I am able to speed and do some high-speed drifting.

But, normal short drifts is very hard to master with the gamepad.

I am not sure if it is possible, it is really hard.

I had to go to school for the first 2 weeks of this June holiday as I am taking O Level this year.

It was tiring, I would say.

I bought Burnout Paradise last Sunday when my Malaysian relatives went back.

Hopefully Stunt Planet server will be fine as soon as possible. Sigh*

2011-05-25T19:32:00.004+08:00

How should start?

I thought I should be studying...

I guessed I completely gave up on my Mother Tongue O Level on 30th May 2011.

It has been 3 days I have been flooded with Mock Exam Papers.

Tomorrow is the last day.

I am really going crazy in my mind.

4 freaking years of 100% passes for O Level Mother Tongue in my school, I just can't believe it.

Let me count, will you? 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. Done.

You know how much I hate Chinese?

It is seriously putting a lot stress on me. Yeah...Ouch.

I am so weak in my Chinese. From an exactly 50% last year EOY to an E8 and to a F9.

That's what I meant, I may be the one failing Chinese in this O Level, bringing the record down.

I don't know.

I am not even studying, no one is forcing me to unlike when I was about to take PSLE.

I hate Chinese.

O Level Chinese is just next Monday, and I have no sense of worry sort.

I don't even take my Mock exams for the past three days seriously.

When the teacher talk to us about mistakes/skills to score after the mock exams,

I totally switched off.

No one can change my hatred for Chinese, whether or not I will pass depends what's next...

next as in my results.

Just heard from my MT teacher that school is going to force us to retake if we fail Chinese.

Even since I was Primary 5, my Chinese result start to drop. I started to hate Chinese.

Dad forced me read newspaper and I managed to get a B in Chinese for PSLE.

Mother Tongue has been my weakest subject since then, I am already Secondary 4.

I am worried but I still don't wish to do anything.

In my head, it tells me that whatever you are going to do now will go to waste,

and that I will definitely fail.

So, I might as well not do anything...

I should have taken CLB last year, this is a regret.

Whatever that is going in my mind, sadness, pressure, hopelessness,

it doesn't change who I still can't forget :

I thought it would be nice to share :

I didn't know I just did a dramatic scene, like those in the movie.
Why was I so cold? I remember I was the only lifeless soul the situation.
I knew I was sad at that moment, probably bothered by something. She said "Thank you!" and I walked out the class in utter silence, never look back, never smile.

I knew that wasn't a drama, I knew clearly I was sad. I guess I was pretty unsure what I was doing. This is a dramatic scene, just thinking of it. That was how I felt...sad. I was unsure of everything. Did she even smile? I knew some saw it but who were in the class? The only thing I heard was the thank you after I turned around I walked out. Oh my gosh. Why did I even do that when I was lifeless that moment?

Nothing changes...this is what happened today.

2011-05-22T10:30:00.003+08:00

30th May 2011, my Mother Tongue O Level.

I am very weak at that subject.

Yesterday was I went back to school for the Seminar about Direct Polytechnic Admission.

Glad that DPA needs my secondary 3/4 results.

I did pretty well for last year.

Even though I am strong Maths and Science, I still would prefer IT courses.

http://www.sp.edu.sg/wps/portal/vp-spws/spws.fsu.cse.dmit.ftdip.it

True enough, engineering needs a good foundation of A Math.

The COP of Engineering and IT courses are equally low.

You rarely see courses COP above 20.

Especially, a lot of JC eligible students are choosing the Polytechnic route.

That's why Polytechnics are raising the standard.

It is very competitive, and I have to fight my way in.

It really give me the fear that half of my school's secondary 4 cohort may not make it to Polytechnics.

Those A(s) reflected in your report book when you are in Secondary 1-3 are seriously nothing.

The highest COP I saw was 23, and that's only for one course, the rest are 20 and below.

After all, you don't study as a class, you study individually.

I am more interested to gaming architecture and programming.

I am able to see that my standard is around there.

My results are fairly of the top in class.

But my social background in school isn't very good.

A lot of times, I just find it hard to get along with people and I don't know why.

There is this guy I still can't seem to stand him in my class.

They can victimize me anytime they want, then when I victimized them back...

they report to teacher whatever sort.

It completely doesn't make sense, I simply hate them.

People who don't know how to study well, always playing, shouting, talking shit,

make other people's lives miserable.

Intellectuals don't do these things, do they?

It is just a school of playful students that I surrounded with,

and I am of the indoor and study type.

I don't know why is this happening to me, I can't do anything, I let it go on.

At times of happening, I asked myself why did that person, those guys shot me at the back.

Not only at the times of happening, I went home angered and still thinking about it.

What is so different between you and me?

I update my Facebook very frequently, people tend to get offended.

They become cold towards me in school, it looks like I am asking for it, isn't it?

I am just hard to get along with people, I take care of myself more when I am outside.

When people come over my boundary, I get very uneasy, I will attack back.

This very small boundary of defense is what I always carry around.

SOMETIMES, I JUST WANT TO ASK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

SOMETIMES, PEOPLE JUST CROSS THE LINE, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM?

I HOPE THEY WILL FALL ONE DAY...ONE DAY, THEY WILL FALL.

2011-05-16T10:03:00.002+08:00

I bought NFS Carbon and Pro street.

Pro street isn't working...

Sad...

Anyway, with 1 TB hard drive, it is better I load lot of games.

I don't have school today as it is marking day.

It is getting kinda bored.

I went to gan 妈's house on Friday as it was gan 爸's birthday.

We had dinner at Grand Shanghai Restaurant.

Looks pretty high-class, the food is rather delicious.

I had a ride on Melvin's Audi A4, it is a very nice car.

The jerk of the braking is very small, you are able to switch mode from comfort to dynamic.

There is bluetooth in the car, you can connect it to your phone.

Then you can answer calls through speakers and talk.

It is very nice, the interior is very low and nice.

A smoother ride because it is an Audi. (:

I came back home on Saturday,

had dinner with god sisters at Lot 1, New York New York.

The green candy floss we had for dessert was huge, eat till our hands and lips are sticky.

I bought NFS Carbon and Pro Street also at Lot 1.

There is no school tomorrow as it is vesak day.

It is a long break...

2011-05-11T14:22:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is my last common test paper, Physics.

I have no school today and Friday as I don't take any of the papers on these days.

Everything is fine, just that my mood isn't good.

The weather this few days is getting very hot,

it goes up to over 33 degrees Celsius in the afternoon.

There was once it went up to 36 degree Celsius.

Even under shelter, the air is completely hot.

It is burning my mind up, this weather is crazy.

It is kinda boring, I may buy some video games for my computer.

Good timing, tomorrow is my last paper and server will up within this week.

Transaction is still in the process, Sinner paid by PayPal by the way.

Once transaction completes, server will online.

He is a god damn pro script-or, he scripted the whole server from scratch by himself.

I am very thankful.

I am going to play like mad when it is online, I seriously can't wait anymore.

I've been desperate when Stunt Planet closed down, and waiting for this server to be done.

It has been a month or so after Stunt Planet closed down.

I got really bored and bought Need For Speed Hot Pursuit.

Now, DuB Stunt is ready, now the wait even though just a few days away is eternity.

At the mean time, I am going check out what latest video games drag my interest.

2011-05-08T16:34:00.003+08:00

This weather is seriously boiling hot.

36 degrees Celsius.

My common tests are here.

Last paper on Thursday, Physics.

DuB Stunt server is coming online next week,

Sinner just paid for it, fees for this and that, everything.

Sinner is a hero! He is good scripting.

I can't wait for the server to come online and start playing next week.

My consistent A1 for science, can't guarantee an A1 for science in O Level.

It is seriously not easy even though I am someone who is strong in science.

Let me try not to cry when I get a B3 for combined science in O Level.

If I get a B3, people lousier than me will fail. I seriously about it.

My foundation for mathematics is strong but getting A1 in O Level is hard.

At least, I did pretty well last year. I should benefit in DPA.

Some of you have tuitions for so many subjects, I guess it is just a waste of parents' money.

Sometimes, I don't see why I have no tuition for science, and I am always top the class for it.

Some people just study better than the others.

Like for me, I love science, I have a very scientific brain.

Usually people who love science, love maths.

My maths is fine.

While the others just have no particular interest of any subject,

they produce flat results, constant, no outstanding ones.

These people who may occasionally do very well because they worked very hard.

After that, they are back to who they are, flat results.

I want to be in engineering course, it fits my talent.

I wish to mix with smarter people.

For me to actually think for the others whose results are flat, I wish them all the best.

I am not looking down or anything, but they'll face things harder than me.

I am sure you agree with that.

2011-04-24T22:09:00.005+08:00

My exams are closing in, Mother Tongue on Thursday and English on Friday.
I was playing my racing game the whole three days given to me.
A racing game so realistic, so intense cop chases with weapons such as roads blocks, EMP (Electric Magnetic Pulse), Spike-strip and summon helicopter to drop spike strips in front of the racers.
In racer mode, you race, and get chased by cops, wrecked cop cars, earn nitro, racer has turbo as one of the weapon cops don't have.
Turbo is speed, it accelerates so fast, your car reaches over 300km/h in 1-2 seconds after activation.
This game, be it you are playing cop's events or racer's events, everything is about speed, and quick reactions.
That's why this game won several awards, it is the best racing game, with really realistic graphics that kinda made me confused between the real world and the game. Ha!

Put the game aside, I am blogging now because I was just wanting to write about her.
I still have school tomorrow by the way.
On my iPod now dong blogging, my room light is off.
Yeah, in a dark room where only my iPod screen is lighted and with some dim lightings coming from the window.
She always has been the same, she always keep opinions to herself.
She isn't dumb, smarter than most girls do or maybe her intelligence didn't bother me.
When she gets upset, she won't reply any SMSes, usually because she is tired and stressed out.
Because she is so enclosed, it gets me really worried whenever she falls inside the situation.
I mean nothing gets through, I don't know if she is listening to my words and cooling down, or I am not helping...
She is sad, she is tired, she is stress, but she kept all inside her like nothing happened.
At times, I know she is, because I am, you see. I am not really someone who takes pressure and keep it silently inside, unlike her.
When I know I am stress, I guess she is too.
Instead of being so expressive, she is enclosed. But I believe just like me, expressive in inner feelings.
She is enough for me, good enough, not too bad enough to be called a bad girl.
She is really a good girl, how to expect her to be bad? I don't know, she is a decent girl.
That's all I am writing, she gonna read this anyway, and I am going to bed. Ha, that's it.

2011-04-23T10:52:00.002+08:00

Exams are closing in.

School has been pretty tiring lately.

Waking up at 5.50am, then 4 consecutive days staying back after dismissal for stuffs to attend.

When I reached home, I almost half dead.

I still have assignments to complete, and to be handed in the next day.

I can't find a school day which I can sleep at 9pm anymore.

Then, whenever I sleep after 10pm, I will wake up at 5.50am feeling groggy.

If I have to push so hard, then it is better I don't push too far or else my body can't take it.

Being in whatever school, it reflects your intelligence.

Being in Singapore, by the age of 13, in terms of Maths and Science, we are usually no. 1.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TIMSS

So why is it that people at my age from other countries know nothing about A Math?

They don't even know what is logarithm, differentiation, integration, linear law.

They learn nothing other than the basics.

Singapore is only 710.2 sq. km, so tiny in the world map,

yet we have the students who are scoring better than Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, South Korea in math and science.

Why are we trying so hard? Asians are smarter than westerners.

Asian-Americans are doing better than the pure Americans.

We are doing harder things, aren't we? It is so pressurizing.

2011-04-14T17:40:00.003+08:00

I am rather reserved, I guess so.

This blog is black and all about me in white.

I am just the way I am.

No one wants to be treat shit, I just went around to realise...

people also hate the person I hate.

Some people just better watch their words.

What type of family are they from?

What made them so irritating?

I am not finding trouble, I can't take everything forever.

What comes to me, goes back to you.

I can't believe someone be so quiet, yet a bitch who kept asking questions non-stop.

She can't even pay attention properly in class.

The way she acts is like some sort of selfish bullshit, she pushes things to you and and acted like she has nothing to do with it.

She takes your paper to copy without asking just because she wasn't paying attention.

Gave you back in a pretty unpleasant, rude and rough manner.

She appears innocent to me at first,

but then I realised she has a hole in her attitude when started sitting beside her.

I mean I never seen a girl with such selfish and rude way of life.

My sister isn't like her, she is even more caring than me by right. Oops.

But this girl I am talking about is very shocking to expect such attitude from her.

Being a girl must at least have some standards.

Being a girl without basic standards, do you still call yourself a girl?

Don't need to be curious or worried, she isn't the one I am...fond of.

2011-04-12T17:02:00.002+08:00

Whenever I comment on her statuses, they show their comebacks. Even though, they aren't my Facebook friends anymore. I can't be bothered, I am sick of it. Intellectuals don't do that, with all the emo here and that. Pussies.

There is nothing wrong with me, I hate those people, that is why I deleted them, so I can continue to say behind them of how pussy they are. They treat you shit in school, there is no such thing as misunderstanding. Because this isn't the first time. That is why I deleted Mac, almost everyone who showed comebacks.

I have no time to let you say whatever you want, I hate them obviously. I hate Charles, Haziq, him, him and him. How the fuck do you want to care? I roughed up with Mac, William, Melvin and friends. Who the fuck cares now? I deleted them, so I can continue to show my hatred when they did things that pissed me off and put me down.

I did my job, I deleted them, put them in ignorance of my hatred. This isn't the first time, I am still sensitive. Some people get too off, nothing stops them unless an adult is noted. Nothing, they are so fucking irritating, like they are able to break through steel. So hard.

You think I am some trash bag on how you treated me is it? Sorry, I am not, I am not someone whom you make up words to pick on, make fun of my voice, calling me an emo. Do you know what you are? Do you wish to know? 'You look more like the trash bag I am talking about since the start of this status.'

All of the above are pasted from my Facebook.

Seriously, I am already 15, turning 16 this year and I still meet this kind of people.

Go fuck yourself, get a life.

2011-04-10T14:52:00.002+08:00

O Level.

I didn't know stress can break me down.

I am not doing as good anymore.

People working better than me, since this is the final year.

I can't take the stress, my O Level MT is less than 2 months away.

There is no hope for it, never been doing anything for the subject.

Recently, I failed some tests, I can't complete the assignments given.

My body became numb, starting to have weird touching sensations since Tuesday.

Thursday, the English teacher wants assignments to be handed up by 5pm, I just went home.

My mind and body were fucked up, too stressful.

I went to see doctor in the evening, took a day MC, and didn't go to school on Friday.

The doctor couldn't diagnose anything, he said maybe it is the brain and stress.

If I don't do well for O Level, then let it be.

It is terrible, things are so much that my mind can just switch off.

Pushing myself so much just gets me no where, it is very stressful.

I am not tired, but completely wear out

I suppose to have a Core Geography test on Friday, but was on MC.

I have to check if there is Core Geography tomorrow, I will have to take the test outside.

It is stressful. People are now doing better than me, I am giving up.

I can't take the stress. It is too stressful.

2011-03-20T13:45:00.004+08:00

School starts tomorrow once again.

I am still left with a few assignments to do, I just don't feel like doing them now.

I really don't know what to do, MT O Level papers are so near.

Probably, I will fail this subject.

I am really bad at it, I will see how it goes.

People who make others miserable are trash, so will be their results.

Look at them, their attitude in living is shit, and trying so hard to get results.

They may produce the results, but they fail at living.

Trash belongs to the trash bin.

I just don't like some people at school.

There isn't choice, I face them, they carried innocent faces.

But, they are irritating, let me simply put it.

I think he deserves a punch on his trash face.

I am different because I sit in front of the computer to share thoughts and enjoy media,

almost the whole day.

Virtual world is much better living than the real world.

Usually, those who are shy, quiet, reserved end up in the virtual world, to free themselves.

Some people are cool in school, so there are also players who cool in games.

None of them are seen as cool in my school. Like this friend of mine, he acts cool.

But, he can't take his self-centered mindset away, his habit.

I never met anyone in my school so cool like those I meet in game.

I do have friends in school, but not those who make me feel comfortable with.

In game, I am to share openly without being criticized for a different thought.

I don't dare to say I am really that experience in life living.

I been through so much in this crap Secondary School, what kind of awful things I never been through with friends before?

There were times, just because I have a different thought, friends left me out.

They were bitches, weren't they? Childish, isn't it?

It tells me now that I was even more mature than those friends before.

Thinking back then, these things may be over, but I know I will never forget what happened.

Trash belongs to the trash bag, that's what people always say.

Friends did all the laughing and making fun, I have been in difficult situations,

I wished I could escape.

Tell me what else I never been through with "friendship".

They may not be even friends, don't you forget that.

Sometimes, I find it true that you don't have to be good in your studies,

being a good person is good enough.

I was hoping that will be my reflection, it gives me some motivation hearing that.

2011-03-15T00:00:00.004+08:00

I guess a lot of things happen since I last updated.
Probably, I screwed Facebook up last Wednesday.
My mind was burning, I couldn't cool.
I was just furious of why I got F9 for English, whatever that was meant to show me.
I spammed so much, I think it is hard to imagine.
Indeed, the copy and paste on my HTC Desire is very fast.
If you ask why I shoot people online, then I will want your to know that this is just me.
This isn't the first time, I wrote about friends who screwed me, now I screwed a teacher.
I didn't know my anger could be so intense, and I found that I could express it so well.
I could say so many mean stuffs about the teacher, in great details.
If you ask me to write again about the teacher, I won't be able to.
Because I only express well when I am sad and angry.
When everything seems fine, I don't know what to express.
Sometimes, I also couldn't believe I wrote all those mean stuffs about the teacher.
I spammed so much, people tried to get me to stop by scolding me back.
I just can't be bothered, my mind told me to spam, get the anger out first,
then deal with those Facebookers later.
I don't even think that was mean doing that, she got me under pressure.
It was anger in me, so I let it out.
But, seeking too much attentions, it is trouble in school. (I would say good luck to myself)
I didn't think much, I just did it because I want to, I couldn't take it.
What makes me so glad is that my mean words are so expressive,
I am good with words when anger sinks in. I proud of it.
Did I just make everyone hates me? So what if I did? So what if people are laughing at my back?
I told you I didn't think much at the start, it is done.
It was a big scene, I know.
It was letting out anger first then deal with the Facebookers' revenge.
Taking pressure away was more important that day.

2011-02-18T22:23:00.002+08:00

It has been quite awhile I stopped writing.

Tomorrow, Saturday, I have Chemistry class from 10.30am-12.30pm.

I am buying HTC Desire tomorrow, very likely.

Parents will send me the distributor shop.

I hope I can get the HTC Desire white.

I don't think I am an Apple fan anymore.

HTC Desire owns iPhone 4, that's a serious fact.

Keep in mind that HTC Desire came out way earlier than iPhone 4.

Apple disappoints me.

iPhone is one of the most expensive phone in the market, but doesn't have the best performance.

HTC Desire is just half the price iPhone 4, it has more speed.

Disappointing.

People who get iPhone 4, really know nothing about phones.

iPhone is nothing, I don't see why so many people are getting it.

They think iPhone is so good, but just bullshit.

My HTC Desire will definitely owns out iPhone 4.

Bullshit iPhone 4, HTC owns Apple.

If I compare HTC Desire HD, iPhone 4 fails times 2. It is a fact.

iPhone 4 is just slow, and nothing.

Life is kinda stressing out.

I was rather hot-tempered in school today, I was very extremely tired.

Anyway, I got class tomorrow, I got to sleep soon.

I didn't take a nap in afternoon, you see.

2011-02-01T14:48:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is Cross-Country. 4km.

Chinese New Year on both days, Thursday and Friday.

I'm going to my cousin's house tomorrow evening.

I wonder how I'll run for tomorrow.

When I'm back from school tomorrow, I'll take a nap.

Relax myself.

I'm not perfect.

Unlike, students from other schools, they always approach the teachers to ask questions.

People in my school don't do it, we don't have the will.

If you have the will, you will be willing to do anything to score well.

That's the problem you see, even my cousins aren't very good in studying at all.

While my cousins in Malaysia are doing so well in their studies. Mum's family side.

I don't get it, I simply don't get it.

I am not smart, I'm bad, but of the above in class in this school.

There's no worth in living when you academic results are bad, you simply just aren't smart enough.

You are considered to be the lower class people in the society.

I guess my school is of the last few positions in the country.

You know how lousy that is?

I feel so stupid, we're the lower class people, don't you think so?

Ask yourself, why are you in this lousy school where the majority is lazy?

Why can't I be smarter? Why can't I do well in my studies?

You read this, but most likely you are no better just like me.

I hate it.

2011-01-25T21:56:00.002+08:00

I'm not of the very smart,

not the very perfect boy you're looking for.

I'm the eldest in my family.

I'm not born with a silver spoon in mouth.

I like a girl.

I don't know what life means.

I don't like to go beyond what I feel comfortable living with.

I'm very organize when it comes to electronic gadgets.

Every electronic gadgets software must be personalize perfectly.

I mess them up, when starting to use them, so that I can explore.

I can't stand messy computer desktops.

I like it neat and pleasant to look at, and to feel.

Not everyone can be good at studying, it is not like everyone can get all A1s for O Level.

When people tell you to try hard, you never going to improve much,

because you are already you.

Leave the best for the best.

Don't stress yourself to a point you don't feel comfortable anymore,

it is pointless.

I messed up my mind before, feeling stress and stuffs like that,

but it is pointless.

No one is ever good enough, put it aside, keep yourself comfortable.

Yes, I like a girl of the same range, and that's me already.

Sometimes, worries slip in, I doubt myself, and hoping someone clear it for me.

She did it, sometimes she didn't or sometimes I don't dare to tell her.

2011-01-23T20:23:00.002+08:00

The sick reality sinks in, with the brains of ours.

Stupid people will always be stupid.

Sometimes, I just wonder why people are better than who you are.

You aren't good enough, probably not smart enough.

True that some people have the easy way out, because they're born smart.

Unlike you, or me. Don't you think so.

I hate myself.

I think it is a disgrace to have you so stupid, your thinkings jam all the time.

I want to break to my neck off sometimes.

It comes back round again, I wonder why you think life is worth living when you're worse than...

I don't mean to offend, why don't you think about it.

...with all the hardships people and things gave to me, sufferings I got from them,

I still know I won't get far, with this self centered attitude this friend shows all the time. I wonder how he was brought up, fuck him alright.

Afterall, what you worth? I don't worth much, tell me how much can you worth?

Let it be that I can't study well, but I can write life shits well.

My written works sometimes turned up to be a sort of poetry.

That's what I got, what you got?

2011-01-19T21:55:00.002+08:00

My Internet speed yesterday night was terribly slow.

I'm serious, the speed was like I was using a 56Kbps dial up modem.

You know how long dial up Internet was ago?

I was using dial up, almost about 10 years ago.

Don't believe fully with what the StarHub staffs say.

They tell you that your router is faulty, however it is usually their side having problem.

Look, today I can load YouTube HD videos in speed already.

Max out and LSP programs started.

Secondary four is a different year.

I was talking to her face to face today, I think I got lost in her eyes,

my mind went half blank.

The eyes I was looking at, are...perfect,

then I looked below her eyes, the tiny little dark bags.

She got me lost, but I know she knew the way I was feeling.

Quiet, follower, calm, just different, she lives life in quite an innocent way.

She is a secret, I will never say who she is.

She is different, or maybe she can feel specifically on something that others can't.

She is not perfect, I hope she wouldn't want me to be perfect either.

I don't need her to be perfect, she changed me.

You laugh, but I changed, compared to crying inside on a girl who worth my nothing.

I really be won't who I am today, my attitude would be much worse,

I will be more negative than who I am today,

if wasn't for that night of the touch...

That touch changed me. I'll forever remember that night.

O Levels, stress, pressure, exhaustion, I'm nothing, push it through...

with all these random words pressing against me.

2011-01-15T23:02:00.005+08:00

I am desperate to know what is the worth of living.

I'm getting bored of it.

At least, I don't mind rotting at home, because I know I won't rot.

Doing the same feel several things at home, it gets boring,

but the day will just fly pass fast.

I expect alot from myself, then tell myself that I shouldn't be forcing too much.

I find that there is no point living if you aren't worth anything.

I'm like waiting for this boring school life to pass.

It is very sickening, I'm getting out.

With all the flashbacks I played it over again in my mind,

life is just boring.

I don't bother how people are like, as long they don't offend me in any way.

Some are still the same, I am not sure how they were brought up.

Life is more than just studying.

I don't see why studying is emphasized so strongly, when life is more than it.

You may not be good in studying, but you still have to continue living.

I think I should say that not everyone is good at studying, life has to still continue.

From the angle I'm looking at,

everyone has this mating score, I called.

Intelligence and Appearance, am I wrong?

People who are movie stars, CEOs, world-class athletes are highly confident people,

smart and good-looking.

Unless, a very major problem they face, then only they will fall back.

That's the first level.

The second level, is where most of the human population falls in,

you take care of of how you look, you can either do very good,

when there are some major problems you face, you may tend to fall back.

The third level, people at this level don't really care how they look.

They wouldn't be even reading anything to improve themselves.

They just live life with not much goals, but still happy.

On how they look, they just don't bother.

First level, people in that level has the highest mating score.

Third level, people in this level has of course the lowest.

As humans, we look for intelligent people to be our mate, that's very common sense.

I'm not wrong, am I?

2011-01-14T18:45:00.003+08:00

I'm seriously in love with Dubstep.

The bass is so strong, it keeps pumping continuously, I never stop playing them.

Whenever I sit in front of the computer, I play Dubstep,

it feels so cool working with the computer,

my reactions became so fast.

It feels so high, like I'm a pure computer geek.

Dubstep is just a drug,

Today was fine,

or not.

Friday again, dubstep makes me forget how I was feeling outside today.

I don't know why, I felt a mess, chaos in my mind.

Maybe I do know why, but just for many reasons.

My friend was prompting me to talk on the way back home.

Obviously, after I left the home room, I'm definitely thinking of something.

He talked to me, I kept quiet, no respond, nothing.

He prompted me to talk again, I said 'I'm just thinking of something.'.

'What is it?"

'Something.'

"Then, what is it lah? Girls or what?"

I didn't want to answer, I kept thinking over and over, I guess it is something not good.

Maybe I was thinking about 'girl' and not 'girls'.

When something is not right, I keep quiet, because I don't know what to do.

For like, he was asking me to talk, but I knew something isn't right with what I'm thinking,

I was hoping I can talk to him, like we did before, though I don't like his attitude alot of times.

It doesn't matter, today was my fault not being able to talk much to him.

It is just the same thing tearing me apart, same person.

If only you show me how to text "I hate you.", and then forget about someone.

I don't even dare, I'm hanged out the edge by a thread.

I can't pretend nothing happened, it has been quite awhile.

Let's put it in a bit of humour,

I'd take death for someone.

You can laugh, but I can only half laugh.

I'm not really emo, it is because you can't express yourself well enough.

Even I did text "I hate you.", I believe that I meant it, but I know I don't mean it at all.

I'm not at a stage of telling how much I fell for you,

I'm at a stage of wanting myself to believe that I hate you.

The heart of mine, felt like splitting.

I'm not really gonna whine how painful this is,

I'm writing because I looked at the pain, wondering how to heal it up,

and not writing to tell you how painful it is.

Who can make me hate you? You?

I don't really think I can make myself hate you. Sounds like joke, but I'm serious.

O Levels? You? Hate you? I hate you? I want to hate you?

What should I do now...

2011-01-12T19:28:00.003+08:00

It doesn't really mean if you dont work as hard now, you gonna starve on the road next time.

I wish I am better than whoever I am now.

I don't think I can be some good guy, though I seem quiet.

Whenever I get tired, my mind goes in a mess.

Let's not not say about me blaming other people, I rarely blame people when I'm piss.

What I did was, I blame it on her, it happened several times.

She don't take blames, but I vent on her because I have too much to take.

I always ended up saying sorry, and I know it is my fault.

I just can't seem to stop, she is someone to collect the 'too much' in me.

Maybe in some way, I want her to see I just hate her as much,

actually I don't, and I'm admitting it.

Some girl for me to blame on, then say sorry, and I'm leaving just as soon.

I want to leave as soon, and I want forget her.

Indeed, she isn't any good, or I'm not too good, or we're too young.

I think it is completely stupid for me to talk about someone we like.

I'm not really heartbroken, I just need someone to take the 'too much' for me.

I don't want to feel plain alone, when problem comes to me.

At least, as also being a classmate, she made me feel worth living awhile.

I will wonder who she is when I'm leaving this school, she is

someone I never know much, yet someone I for me to depend a little and for awhile.

I'm uncertain who she is.

I'm thinking just so complicating, that I'm of the average.

I just guess I'm tired right again, and so I'm writing this.

It is true, though I'm tired but that won't affect how I felt.

I feel problems in my heart so strong when I'm exhausting.

2011-01-09T22:24:00.006+08:00

Living is just as bad, I wonder why some people are looking at things the pessimistic way,
while some people look at things like there's no such big problem in the world.
Those who are pessimistic are people who became pillars for those optimists to stand up.
It can't be explain why some people are pessimistic of things and some just feel there isn't a big problem in the world.
Scientist are still studying it, it could of the genes.

I'm of the totally opposite person of who she is.
Living is fine when I have nothing to stress about, I burnout frequently when I have to stress over something.
A classmate of mine gets fed up so quickly once he is stress on certain school work, talk blah blah...
I don't like it though, he talks more than the answer, excessive, I don't like it.
Afterall, he talks alot, only if he knows how to make his sentences short.
I just felt like talking about this person, so I brought this up.

Anyway, being with my close friend (Of course not the one above), I just won't try open myself too much,
because he won't always agree with you, and he does treat you in a 'rude' way when just he disagrees,
like you shouldn't think a certain way, you should think his way.
So, most of the time, I try not to share as much with him.
It feels better, so I can feel that I'm myself, he doesn't know me.
No one is perfect, but he is just...
I'm fine talking to anyone, but don't disagree with this and that all the time if you want to talk.
Maybe it is because I'm wanting to find a partner that's why I thought I am not good enough.
I feel worthless you see, if I can't find a partner, this type of thinking is explainable but I didn't want to write about it.
But couples at my age just won't last, tell me if one can last for more than 10 years waiting for marriage, you think that's so possible?
How much do you worth when you like someone who don't feel the same as you?
How much do I worth when I like someone who don't feel the same as me?
If someone felt the same way as you, you start that relationship, will it lasts for more than 10 year waiting for marriage?

I feel tired and worthless. I'm never good enough for you, it seems so and that you're so much better.

2011-01-09T02:10:00.003+08:00

I guess I don't need everything to be organize.
But, I can't stand messiness.
I want to look perfect shape.
I will never be of the rich, but I use what I have to the fullest, staying organize.
Things may not be perfect, but everything has to work at it's fullest.
Things are just like humans, they screw up occasionally.
In other words, humans get mess up because of interactions with others.
You try to stay organize, some of the times, you just go off track, disturbances I called.
People are usually the cause.
Your life can't be so perfect, let it pass, and get back to the track you went off.
Do it your way, so you don't have to it people's ways you can't.
People could be overboard, but we can't do much.
I blame hardships for my performance.

I wish I look perfect shape, I wish I've perfect performance,
I wish I have perfect intelligence just to think that I will get you to feel the same way as me.
I know no one's perfect, I thought I have to be.
I may be quiet, but I've alot of words to tell you, I don't say all, but I write all, and you read all.
When will I feel I'm your worth? I guess I want to know.
I thought I saw guys talking to you, it feels sad I'm not the one who can make you smile.
I hope I'll marry you one day, and I wonder why am I writing this literature.

I've to study.

2011-01-07T21:46:00.003+08:00

Ages since I last wrote a thing, I mean something.

I don't really know what I could write about.

I think I am caught up with something, it jams there.

When I do just anything, I compare my work with others.

I find that I'm not doing as good.

I don't know what am I thinking when I keep quiet of a sudden after talking.

I don't know what it takes to be good enough.

Is it about fun in living like she did thought it should be?

or is it about living how it should be liven?

If I have fun, I afraid I may get hurt by others.

If I take it silently, I get bored and feel unaccepted.

I'm made to push, and have fun with people that I'm comfortable with.

I still feel I'm still hard inside.

Everyone wants to feel relax, but getting myself to feel relax will laid me back,

I can't let relaxation affect performance.

I think I have no time to play, getting a partner jams my brain up.

I don't have time to play, I have to be serious.

How much do I worth?

I got to feel worth before I keep burning out, and I can't be someone I can't.

All I wish I was, I got to be better.

Let's just say I'm too young to talk about getting a partner,

my personality is...frown*

My living is just different, I think I know that.

I should be more straight forward, I don't think I have what it takes to get a partner.

I mean, how about that?

You tell me I can't, but can you?

I feel worthless, and I'm serious of that.

I'm so tired having these things inside me.

I wished I could have say "I hate you.", maybe I could have text "I hate you.".

There was a night or two which made me feel like texting "I hate you.".

Did I? I didn't.

If I did, I will still stick you in me, and it is so sticky.

I don't know what to do with you, you shouldn't have touch me.

Although, there wasn't a choice, it was fate, but fatality to me.

I've to study, my thoughts tell me I'm not the one you think I should be, and I can't be.

I feel worthless.

2010-12-21T16:11:00.000+08:00

Taylor Swift playlist, all her great great songs.

I love all of them.

She is sooooooooooooo good.

2010-12-13T12:20:00.003+08:00

I'm at home now alone.

Mum and sister coming back in the next days from Malaysia.

My cousin came yesterday, we played computer, had dinner, chat together.

Overall, looks do not matter, people are just mean, you can't help.

Things seem fine now, see clear, that you aren't at fault.

But, when going back to school, things accumulate again.

You know what? I still haven't buy my school books.

The last day is over, 10th Dec 2010.

I've to wait till school reopens.

Alot of assignments not done.

I've to get it done, I don't know when.

Worries.

2010-12-05T23:13:00.004+08:00

I guess, she just flipped that dream I had that night.
I don't find the worth.
I'm different, in a way that I can't really bother to flirt, talking to 'hot' girls like they said.
I don't know should I even work on that.
I don't know about girls now a days, I mean my age group of girls.
They just want to have fun, I can see that, I mean I can guess that out.
Am I wrong?
I don't get why must I be able to talk to find a girl, right?
You're just a nerd who is so shy liking a girl who goes to party.
I can't speak up.
There is this girl who you think she is quiet enough for you, you see guys going to her to gain attention.
My mind said "I'm just different.".
They don't know you, I think it is a bad idea to fall for them.
I didn't make myself the victim, my friends did.
Sometimes, I always see guys talking to girls in such a way, I close one eye.
He or she needs someone better than you, you know those stars on TV.
He or she just wants to play, they don't want something serious.
Just because you're made this way guys talk to you and things like that.
I'm different so I don't fit in? You're making yourself no better.
For Jesus sake, guys write "I love you." shit on Facebook, what is this?
Showing love for a person to everyone?
Do you think that's so romantic?
If that is, I would have spam every girl's Facebook wall.
I hate this girl.
Who cares who reads what I'm thinking of?
Whenever I quarrel, guys always love to say things like 'Oh, you'll never find a partner with you like that.'.
So what? Down the road, I still see you who bullied me in front of so many people, in front of girls.
Mac thinks he is so cool doing that. Indeed, he is cool bullying someone.
I'm not bringing the past back, I was bullied, that won't change. They're bullies.
You think you're worth something.
I don't have to think if this is bullying, all I know is I always got bullied.
No one stands for me in school, they're all against me. I'm not exaggerating, they're mean people.
You know what is with these guys?
They made me feel so ashame for reporting them back then in Secondary One for bullying me.
They made me feel I was in the wrong.
This girl said it was half my fault, I hate her.
I don't want to take a single blame for myself who got bullied since I started Secondary School.
It feels like telling people I was bullied, I'm someone weak.
I don't take a blame, I don't owe the bullies anything.
Can you believe those bullies are my friends?
Oh, I saw girls talking to those bullies. Guys who talk well are popular, but they bullied me, that's the fact.
These people are still bullying one another once in a while, I hated to be the victim.
Even my closest friend in school can be a bitch to be around with.
Who am left with?
On the outside, in my school, these are people I met, worthless to the society if they don't change.
People in the society are very courteous, they greet you in restaurants.
Strangers say sorry when they bumped onto you, with apologetic actions.
People in my school are just different from the society outside.
No wonder, I'm getting bullied for being quiet, and soft. That's no surprise.
They're rough people who aren't taught correctly.
The Internet is a free world, we can share anything we think of, you can't do anything.
I'm not humiliating those people, these are what they did, how they are compared to the society.
Yes, they humiliated me on Facebook with lies, then those are humiliations.
I take no blame because they bullied me and still will be bullying.
Those who still will bully me are my friends. Can you believe that?

2010-12-04T10:50:00.001+08:00

A dream that seems so real :
The day before Miss Mages text me to ask me to bring my Ez-Link to check results on the board the next day. The next day, during assembly when they announce the teachers gonna bring us to look at our results on board. I realized I forgot to bring my Ez-Link card and that I'm the only one wearing PE Attire. The whole class stood up, Dean, the Korean guy who was in the same class as us in Secondary One, stood up as well, so anxiously ran up to look at his results, dropping his A Math textbook. I took the A Math book up and ran towards him, heading towards the foyer if I wasn't wrong. But, he was too fast, I couldn't catch up with him. Then, I met Miss Mages coming out of the General Office, students were talking to her and stuffs like that, I told her I forgot to bring my Ez-Link card, she brought me up to somewhere, class or the result board. Then, the other scene started. The class her and me were in looks like it was Home Economic in classroom. I prepared something, can't remember what. She came with the fried rice prepared, sitting at the corner of the classroom. I went over to look at her fried rice, jeez, it looks so delicious. The teacher came over to look at her work, then she said it needs to wait for two hours, I wonder why too. She went out for recess, carrying her (certain color) dotted over (certain color) bag, like she carried in real-life. I went out too, she was walking with her two other friends, she was on the extreme right, I overtook them from the left and went to the canteen. Nearing, I was wondering who am I gonna mix with, there are no one I know who I can talk to. Then I heard a guy from NT said to his friends in Chinese 'Hey, the guy (he pointed), over there has the same bag as you man.'.
I looked over to the person he pointed, it was Burton. (Person 1) was there too. I walked towards them and sat behind (person 1) as he was eating. I didn't call him, he turned back and realized I was behind him. He talked to me regarding things like :
I know you're heartbroken over that girl, we looked at her at a corner holding her phone, must be calling someone. He told me to give up on her, something like showing me she isn't worth it. He said she is crazy, I kinda disagreed. Then he said she may appear fine, but inside she is just crazy. As look back at her back-view, it fades away, I woke up, realizing it was a dream, a long dream. This dream is suppose to be more detailed, but I can't seem to explain it too detail, because it will make it make more no sense.
End~

2010-12-04T03:03:00.003+08:00

3am already, I know.
But, I'm still not asleep.
Gan jie drove me around just now at 1am plus to Ochard Road to look at the night life.
With the help of her GPS, haha.
Still fail to turn here and there, ended up reaching home at around 2.30am.
Sitting on the passenger seat is like risking my own life, she just passed her driving only.
Her driving can't compare with my dad, not as smooth, but it is kind of exciting risking my own life like that on a just passed driver.
The excitement of risking it this way is too great.
Whatever it is, I love go out late at night, always what I wanted to do.
Of course, this isn't the first time she drove me out at night, but tonight was the most exciting one.
I can feel the life risking on the way she drives, the way she is so unsure of the roads.
It doesn't matter, GPS can still re-calculate if you make the wrong turn and things like that.
So, she never get lost, though she failed to turn so many times when the GPS instructed her.
The cabs at Ochard Road, and places around it, are like speeding.
Observe properly, quite a number of cabs are a dented.
Whatever it is, I risked my life, and felt the excitement.
Christmas lightings are pretty at Orchard Road.

Believe it or not, I'm a heavy user of my iPod touch.
Bought back in April 2010.
I'm like using it to blog now.
Facebook alot with it, Tap Tap, many other things.
I use it like crazy, now it is already December 2010.
I remember there was a moment of time, I find that my iPod touch felt warm and never seem to cool.
My battery depletes like crazy.
Only later then, I realize I've to close those applications I use only occasionally from the Multitask swipe below.
Everything became normal, battery life went back to normal, the iPod touch cooled.
Obviously, I'm a very heavy user.
I gave my own iPod touch alot of stress, though it is a non-living thing, I treat it like it is something living.
Im sorry, but I still can't use it lesser, I'm seriously a heavy.
I guess I use more of it than many of the iPhone users out there.
I bring it here and there, in all sorts of conditions.
There are people who bought iPod touch to find that it is boring.
But, to me, I never get bored, Facebook, almost everything in it, I make the full use out of the whole device.
Look at the way before I use till I stresses it's processor up, causing it heat up, making it feel warm.
I make the full use out of it, my iPod must be proud of this owner who appreciate her so much.
There were a few days, I played Tap Tap for quite a number of hours to complete alot of songs at 100% at one go.
I can't really explain how heavy I'm using it, but indeed very heavy.

2010-12-02T18:29:00.002+08:00

I started playing TTR 3 since 30th April 2010.
My friend introduced me to it as he helped me put on the screen protector in library,
we were going to watch Iron Man 2 that day.
We still have time before the movie starts so we went to the Library to put on the screen protector I bought.

Starting to play Tap Tap Revenge 3 is seriously hard at the early stages.
Usually, at these early stages, people will start to give up or say it is boring, because it is hard to play.
If you don't give up, you will find it fun all the way and never get bored.
Only when you break the barrier, suffer at the early stages, get pissed off at times because you missed,
it will be fun after those stages, giving up, you'll never like TTR 3.

I remember after the Mid- Year exams, in Medium mode, I was tapping like I'm playing Extreme.
A friend was beside me looking, asking me to chill, but I still find it fun.
I played for nearly 7 months already.
After you find yourself loving it so much, you'll start to think of buying various artists Revenge package.
It reminds me my cousin when he was my age, playing DJ Max on PSP.
Hand-eye coordination game.

2010-11-30T16:10:00.007+08:00

A month left of school holiday.

My mum and sister going back Malaysia tomorrow.

Dad not going.

I'll go to gan ma's house to stay again, or else I'll be alone at home.

"Time turns flames to embers

You'll have new Septembers

Every one of us has messed up too

Lives change like the weather

I hope you remember

Today is never too late to be brand new" Innocent by Taylor Swift

There are more of her wonderful poetry.

"You, with your switching sides

And your wildfire lies and your humiliation

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again" Mean by Taylor Swift.

She is good.

I made my first music video.

2010-11-28T23:16:00.003+08:00

As you grow up, a Birthday cake to you is nothing anymore.

You find that, you don't really need a Birthday cake,

you need love, acceptance, and things like that.

My Logitech mouse is faulty, dad gonna change for a new one tomorrow.

Warranty is still on for like another 2 years, a year is over.

My dad went to change once, now changing the second time.

No surprise, my mouse go faulty all the while, when I'm such a heavy user.

I'm 15. (:

Wishes never come true, sometimes they're too hard.

You only can wish, knowing it will never come true.

That shouldn't bother me, not everyone is special.

I slept at 3am yesterday night, making my game video and uploading it to YouTube.

Left my computer on for the uploading and virus scanning.

Mum is going Malaysia on Wednesday, I gonna stay at my gan ma's house again.

Of course, for some day I'll come back home to accompany my dad.

Birthday is ending in 26 minutes.

2010-11-24T23:57:00.002+08:00

I'm now staying in gan ma's house.
Gonna celebrate my birthday on Saturday.
Most likely, will be walking under the night on the beach after the big dinner.
I really hope I can see stars!
Alot of tablet computers are coming out.
Some even have phone, camera, video conferencing camera,
iPad doesn't have any.
Apple will definitely do something about it, so they won't be laid back.
Present will be next year.

I should be watching Harry Potter this Friday at Tiong Bahru,
should be be until past midnight.
I love watching movies at night.
I'll stop here.

2010-11-23T00:17:00.006+08:00

~Trash
Lonely blog Lonely blog Lonely blog.
It is not really lonely, they call it lonely because I wrote what they did up here.
That's all, they hated being written up.
I didn't write names, they're guilty of what they've done and want to hide them.

Lonely meh? No, your blog also mah, everything about yourself, must be very lonely blog?
I'm just using your words back lah.
With all the Singlish and assumptions, right?
I'm not so use to writing Singlish up here, let's switch back.
~Trash

Topic:
I'm turning 15 soon too, I'll be the same age as...
Though I'm younger, I'm just turning 15 this Sunday!
I'm the year-end born child...
I'm growing up, feelings are alot more complicated.
I feel excited, gonna have big meal in restaurant this Saturday, I guess.
Sunday, Tham family can't make it because something on, so celebrating on Saturday.
I feel so excited that I'm almost out the pain of growing up.
You know 12-14, growing up is hard, especially with people teasing you and stuffs.
I'm 15 in a few days time.
I love and thank my parents, my sister and the Tham family for watching me grow up.
and special thanks to someone who made pretty big change in me or else I'll never get out of the dark.
Friends, there are some who care, thank you, some just...
My life is just the beginning, I'm 15 soon.
I love you guys...
You were so innocent and you told me to ignore, I dont know why I followed your words,
whatever it is, you're right, ignoring will do, I don't know why you're so special.
People just told me to ignore too, but I tried to, and it doesn't work.
Only when I fell for you, you told me, I tried it, it works already.
Do you remember that one whole week I can't feel your presence and nights seemed long?
The one week feels like years, you came back and told me 'But it is over.', I took your words, you are right, it is over.
People are just like that, just ignore.
I've the other feeling I told you, I can't stop that, and I don't want to stop that either because you may like it that way.
Someone asked me 'Do I think I'll be the one beside you in your wedding?'
I said 'I don't get it.'.
I re-read, he was about to rephrase, then I said I get it.
I said :
-I'm only 14, I'll definitely meet someone beyond (name) later in life.
-I still have a long way to go.
He asked 'Do you want?'.
I answered :
-I can't say I don't want, but I don't have to bother about it.
-If I've to be, I'll be.
It is common for us at my age to think of marrying someone, Taylor Swift did in her school life too, if I'm not wrong.
I'm just a guy like many guys out there
If you're a girl, you'll say 'I'm just a girl like many other girls.'
I'm just a young and growing guy, with thoughts of a growing up boy.
Although, I'm seen as a little different from other guys, I'm still a guy, I like someone from the other human species.
If you're a girl, you'll say the opposite, replace guy with girl.
That's the topic I want to share about today.

2010-11-21T13:42:00.006+08:00

It is like something, there is a thing I call 'the key' which people use to find troubles with me.

They think it is the key.

I know very well, they still carry the hatred in them.

I don't want to hate anyone, they have it.

With everything I wrote, they have with a problem with them.

It is like they're acting to help solve things, but actually they didn't want to.

That's them.

I'm not competing or anything, but you just have stop the feeling in you.

But, I've to stand for myself, that's why I fought back.

Many people had all their problems on me, I fought back,

my studies affected? No.

Many of those people told me they understood me with whatever I wrote here.

Is that even true, when these people attack me constantly with whatever I wrote.

They love the way they backstab.

I proved my innocence.

They act like ain't shit, but they're the ones with problems on whatever I wrote, and my life.

They won't change, I said before, I can't make them change either.

Trying to say, this type of people won't change, distant future, maybe.

I appear sad to you, but many know I'm not.

Guys can act so cool, fitting into a group of friends, and with all their words of questions.

Questions of why am I like that, different from them, and I must like that and this to fit in.

I bet you encounter, these people. Even Taylor Swift did, in her school life.

They think they're so cool in a group, but it is cooler to be one different person.

I can just put your well-being into words, that's never a problem.

You're of my age, I understand you, why am I not the same?

It is because I'm just different, I don't know why I'm different either.

You know why I read your mind, it is because you're typical.

I'm not too trying to act cool being different, you see.

You're typical, alot of of clones of your mind, that's why I read you.

I know what type of person you're like, but I don't hate you.

I just don't like you acting like I owe you everytime, take them back, I don't owe you.

Quiet people, social hunger, are loud on online, it is becoming a culture.

Quiet people find online the way people hear them.

Quiet people aren't always heard, because loud people surround them in school.

I'm not blaming when you're loud, but don't act like I owe you all the time.

You're loud and you love to find troubles with these people as you think they're shit.

That doesn't make you cool, when you think you're cool with that attitude.

I kept it to myself, and I'll just let you about it, you've to.

I'm not weak, you only know how to make me feel weak, but I'm not.

You're like thinking that making people feel weak is cool.

It is almost like bullying people makes you feel cool, it is the same thing.

That's it.

2010-11-19T01:14:00.002+08:00

I'm not trying to appear mature, when you seem childish.
These people don't change, and you only find out that you can't make them change either.
Then, those who are alright to you just didn't experience what you experienced.
Those who are alright people don't seem to understand you, they've no experience.
So, you find yourself caught up somewhere.
You suffer for their words.
Take someone for example, I'm not mentioning who.
He just likes to kept picking on people, I don't know if he is serious.
He is excessively picking on people, it seems to me like bullying already.
He is not the only one, there are arrogant ones.
They do it all the time, they won't change.
I'm not mean.
Ugly, selfish, noisy, arrogant people, just within my class.
Even people with innocent faces, are the ones who like to irritate others.
I've such fine attitude in life, I don't know why people like to make some others suffer.
I don't owe these people a thing, and they're of such bad attitudes.
You don't to revert back that I've bad attitude, you know very clearly who has bad attitude.
Your chose living with bad attitude, so you admit it.
You don't tell people like me that I'm of this and that not good, you're already like...
Just be someone worth, and not be someone worthless.
I can't change you, you don't try to go against my words here, but I know this is clear.
I don't know why do these people still find the worth living when they're up on Earth to make others suffer for them.
You only think people are the ones who owe you.
The fact is that these people are actually owing those they hurt.
I hate these people, no one likes these people, up the their heads are trashes, I don't know.

2010-11-18T01:25:00.002+08:00

I went to my cousins' just now, play computer.
Sometimes, it is not that I feel different.
It is just people around me are different from me, that's why I don't feel we've anything in common.
I quarrel with them, they could be just too playful or some other thing.
I don't know. You know the way they use words to your face, and they don't appear as a joke?
So, I was thinking girls at the side might be thinking what is it that I'm so different.
Things like this, I believe, don't happen among girls, I don't think they understand either.
Actually, I'm not trying to be only guy who is different, don't think I'm trying to be.
I guess I'm the one who is surrounding by people who get overboard all the time.
They won't reflect, they won't change for now.
You can't make them reflect, you can't make them change.
Guys are different from girls, guys crap things really big, but they act being nice and innocent in front girls.
It is not an opinion of mine, fact stays as fact.
I wonder why am I so different.
There's no need to act, I can't be someone I can't.
People are just wanting me to be someone I can't.
They know it clearly themselves.
Guys can appear so nice to people, they're just mean to me.
At the side, the girls just don't understand.

2010-11-13T03:29:00.002+08:00

Actually, I very tired already.
I'm suppose to go to bed now. 3.30am already.
I'm now at my gan ma's house.
I went to Tiong Bahru Plaza in the morning.
Nap in the afternoon.
I was help gan jie to think out a math question, a work she has to do,
but the end she realised it can't work.
Just now went to down to eat roti prata, chat.
Come up, watch TV.
She tired already, at least I had nap in the afternoon, still can stand.
Just NOW was watching Batman, 1989 film on HBO.
The joker is really insane and sick.
I just decided to blog when I about to go to sleep.
Done.

2010-11-11T01:20:00.003+08:00

I guess I'm going to my god-mum's house to stay again.
Maybe, I'll be going on Friday.
I want to eat roti prata there, it opens 24/7.
Chit-chat late at night 12-1am at the playground.

It doesn't matter who I blocked on Facebook or why I removed the tagboard.
You don't have to care.
If you want to care,
simply, I blocked them so that they won't get offended, because they're sensitive, I'm helping them.
I removed the tagboard so that they won't talk trash here, because they don't like the way I write about people.
When I said, I don't like something, you told me that I dont like everything.
You don't call people stupid when you aren't smarter than them, everyone agrees.
You don't want to get the problem solve, so you told me that I don't like everything.
I didn't want you to be perfect, I'm not perfect either?
You're so small, could you have slightly more IQ than just reading off my things and find troubles?
Show some worth in yourself, not talking trash after reading off my things.
That's all you like to do.
Show me you're worth something, and I'll give you my respect.
I write, you just can't control yourself? I can't help, but I'll continue.

2010-11-09T20:43:00.003+08:00

Oh, I forgot.
He even told me that no one is perfect,
I didn't want him to be perfect, he said I'm stupid.
So, I wondered why, so I thought he is first in class or something, and so I asked him.
If he can scold me stupid, he must be someone in front of me.
Is he?
I just don't like the way you have words in place?
Glad, you know it is a waste of time, I mean glad he knows.
Did I insult you? No?
You care for every single thing I wrote, that's your problem?
You care to read, then get yourself offended.
You wanted to provoke me, that's your problem.
If you mind your words and your actions, I'll leave you alone.
You don't, I don't know who brought you up though.
Go ahead tell teacher about it. Let her know you guys are the ones who like to irritate me,
then I wrote you up the blog.
You only know how to say 'Huanwei cyber-bullied me.'.
I didn't, I'm just writing what you did to me out, not bullying you.
I'll put you into words.
If you have eyes to see and brain to process, I'm always writing realities.
Many of the realities are what you did to hurt me to the corner, but you deny always.
It is like a history book, you just feel offended.
You've complicated thoughts reading in this dark page, many of you.
Some understood, some want to take advantage and attack me, some feel like everything I wrote are about him/her,
some want to find trouble reading this.
He is one of the many, he knows it himself.
There aren't many types of readers, those types are mentioned above.
So, you can actually group the readers into different types stated above.
You can think of which type to put him into, you know.
Over the past people I wrote about them, try picking them up and classify them according what type of reader they're.
Usually, those who read and take advantage or find trouble are the ones who to hurt this blogger, be it real life or online.
You agree? When you hurt me, don't say you didn't and that you're right.
You all know yourself best, you better show self control instead of hurting people.
I know myself best too, I get somehow hurt easily, I put pains into words,
whoever reads, doesn't matter.
Be clear of what type of reader you're, that will show how you treat me.
Why would I write those who never hurt me?
Those people must have done things wrong right, so I wrote them up.
All along, I've been writing how people hurt me, I'm the same person all along, even two years ago.

2010-11-08T20:41:00.008+08:00

He came to read my blog, then spam me on msn,

with all the alphabets jumping round.

Like a kid playing with the computer keyboard.

He told me it is fun doing that when he is 15 himself?

He is even older than me.

I guess I know you guys come to this blog to figure my weaknesses then attack me.

I know, I know writing everything out has consequences.

But, I don't really care, I'll still won't put my blog into private mode.

It is for everyone.

He told me it is a waste of time, and I'm happy to hear that.

If he knew it was a waste of time, why did he bother to come and read this blog?

He wouldn't even have comment trash on Facebook?

I blocked him on Facebook, so what?

I asked him does he have to care?

He told me everyone has a right to care. Wow.

I believe he is crying behind his computer screen, that I blocked him on Facebook.

That's my Facebook, not his, whoever I want to block, who cares, you care?

I care, but you don't have to.

If you feel provoked over everything I put up, then I block you, you won't see a thing.

You only can read this blog? That's all.

If you feel offended over whatever I wrote here, then don't come in?

Why do you even bother to come in?

Then he brought her into the picture, wow.

I removed my tagboard, so what, you've to care?

I just don't like people to spam the tagboard, talking trashes, you've to care?

That's why I removed. YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP.

Don't revert things back, you care for everything I do, so small, so bossy.

It is dangerous here, everyone in my life may be written up here,

so you never come to get offended.

Top right-hand corner of this screen has a close for Window computer.

Top left-hand corner of this screen has a close for Macintosh.

Tap on the bottom-right icon for Safari in un-jailbroken iPhones/iPod Touches,

then tap the red cross to close.

For other OS like Linux, what so ever, go read your manual and learn to close.

2010-11-07T22:33:00.002+08:00

Humans all pretend in almost every circumstances.

An example will be the principal is speaking, everyone keeps quiet,

for those who want to talk, they keep their volume low.

We can't help, but to pretend.

Others, just love to be different.

I could be just standing anywhere at anytime with my friends,

he don't mind his words much, when he wants to bite,

you feel you're bitten, and you want to walk away from them.

But you know you can't, that's making fool of your own self.

You know that.

Friends don't really bite, they shouldn't.

It usually happens on guys, I believe.

With those people who throw small little things at you during classes.

To me, it is not fun. I don't see why 15-16 year-olds can find this so fun.

I'm a year-end born child, I don't find this fun, they find it so fun?

I was hoping they'll reflect one day, but people can say they won't.

People asked me do I think those people will reflect on their doings?

It is pretty true those people won't, only maybe in the far future.

Do you see these people as trashes? I do see them as trashes, obviously.

God made them here to irritate people, and be popular.

It is not fair, never fair.

People make you suffer, because they're suffering inside, they don't feel good,

that's why.

I'm the same person all this while, because I'm able to say I've no problems at home.

At home, or in school, I don't switch my personalities, unlike so many them out there.

When you've problems at home, don't spill them directly or indirectly onto people in school,

like me, I hate taking your rubbish, those are your problems,

so don't find troubles nor attract people's attentions from everywhere.

If you're like that, you're obviously an attention seeker.

2010-11-06T01:35:00.003+08:00

I'll write this up, I've something to share.
Usually, you suffer, you tend make people around you suffer, so as to relieve yourself from the pains.
It is a cycle.
Humans are all like that.
Honestly, I'm proud of myself at times.
At least, I know how control jealousy, unlike those people who use words to put you down,
but obviously, they're showing their jealousy.
They aren't better than you, but they put you down with them.
They're worthless, it is obvious.
Living life is about feeling the worth in yourself, and not being a useless person to make people feel bad on purpose.
Be a good friend yourself of your friend.
Sometimes, you find people do you pain, but he is actually having pain in him, he can't hold,
so he make people suffer be it directly or indirectly.

It is nothing when she hurts me before.
It recovered back, I care for her, I do, I can't say I don't.
She suffered so she cuts me, she is human, she hurt others too when she suffers.
I remembered I had my tears out for her, I was wondering if they were worth her pain.
I was desperate, I didn't know what to do to help her but to cry a little.
People become heartless when when they're suffering themselves, and hurt people around them.
She didn't mean it, I don't blame her.
If she really means to hurt me, then I'm sorry for myself, I'm fond of the wrong girl from the start.
I thank God for fixing this special strength onto me.
Things can go so bad, like all Facebook fights, all these words people said to me that hurt me alot,
my studies just aren't affected.
People owe me so much, but my studies aren't affected.
I don't hurt, you don't get so overeacted like I hurt you.

If only, I know how to use the word 'love'.
I feel like I'm not alone.
How many times can she hurt me and recover back?
Over this short period, I cried, and when I'm not crying, I cried inside.
It broke me, leaving me alone to think what happened.
It recovered and over, could this be the last time because you scared me. I was scared, real scared.

2010-11-04T17:09:00.003+08:00

On the way, I met her with her friend, and I with my friend.
My friend turned back scolded some things to her friend about her face, just because she showed some face to my friend.
My friend don't like it, so he scolded a line or two to her friend, I never bother to turn back once I walked pass them.
I continued walking and walking, she didn't turn back either I believe.
It was only that short moment when I looked her the eyes, she looked at me, natural reaction.
She was close, meaning just in front of me.
I get lost in her big eyes all the time.
I kept really quiet after I walked pass them with my friend.
I don't know what it brings me, I had mix feelings, I kept quiet, without much words.
This friend isn't good at all, I was hurt by him today again, it is not the first time.
I kept quiet while he was screwing me with his other friend whom he said he hated.
He is lying, he hates me, he don't hate that guy he said he hates.
He is like that, whenever he feels like leaving you out of conversation,

whatever you said he fucks you.
I hate him, I don't know why is he a nice friend some day, then fucks me every other day.
I'm not hard to get along, but the way the he leaves people out, makes me feel very bad.
This is not the first time, it happened alot of times, I kept wondering why is he like that,

and fail to change.
He don't know how get along with people, not me.
'Did *** passed her A Math?'
"No, but she dropping or not I don't know."
I mumbled fast.
'What is wrong with you?!'
What the fuck? I answered you, then you asked me what is wrong with me?!
You leave me aside just with your friend whom you said you hated him.
I asked "I thought you don't like ********?".
He is always trying to be different, flipping his words again 'No?! I'm nice to everyone everyday.'.
He told me a million times he hate that person than he try to flip things again, to hurt me.
There is something wrong with you, but I never ask you 'What is wrong with you?' before.
You used it on me two fucking times, but you're always flipping your words.
You're nice for that day, like my friend, then you flip your words to hurt me the next day.

He sucks. If you don't want to be my friend, so be it?

2010-11-03T19:43:00.002+08:00

If only you believe, foreigners will one day take over our country.
I don't know, I've a strong feeling.
Additional Math:
This girl from China got 87/100 and a guy from China too, got 72/100.
The rest of the class failed, not considering my **us* whose mark got rounded up to 50/100.
She failed too. Yes, Singaporean.
She really worked really hard with all her tuitions, 50/100?!
Moreover, the mark has been rounded up, she failed in fact.
We're in the same class as the two Chinese, the two times of my mark don't hit 87 at all.
There are people getting one digit number over 100.
Look, those Chinese learned before back their country, they've more experience than us.
We're in the same class, yet our marks are so far away from them, something must be wrong right?
I'm protesting because I don't feel fair to have them here, they're too good.
This A. Math teacher kept praising the girl just because everyone isn't good enough and have failed.
Not everyone can be the top like her.
Look, I top the class for combined science, and this girl had her marks so close to me.
I lost her for A. Math, Mother Tougue, I got A1 for E Math and her A1 is even higher.
I'm not trying to show off, I'm of the top local students in class, includes her then.
I'm just pissed off, how can foreigners come in to Singapore to take us down.
Local students should be the one taking all of them down, this is not fair.
Teachers just help the girl give excuses that she just joined the school later than us and she can do so so well.
I'm not happy, you praise her like that?!
I'm your top student, local top student, you put me down like that.
I want stand for our local students, you put us down like that?
I want to tell all of you, she learned those things before or else her marks won't so far away from us.
It is not fair, she shouldn't be here.
Only two person passed A. Math in our class, and this A. Math teacher told us that the paper wasn't difficult.
Punch her face, she wants face, showing off her top students.
Not everyone can be like the clones of this girl in my class, please.
Jesus help me please, goodness, with these teachers...fuck them really.
How is this fair?!

2010-11-02T20:48:00.003+08:00

I've those pasts which you don't have.
These things really never happen on you.
People are standing on the side of those who screw me, all along since Sec 1.
It shows I'm meant to be hurt.
People always on your side because you're cute, sociable, humorous, and loud.
While, I'm always in the wrong, those people are fuck tards, they push the weak down.
They still say they care for me and they're my friends, my friends?
No, you hurt me constantly in every way, you tell me you're my friend and that you care for me?
You don't lecture me, you tell me you mum is in Myanmar, so?
How about I tell you 'My mum is at North Pole.'?
'Huanwei, you take everything as a joke man.' then with all his hand actions.
Punch me if you dare, useless fool.
So what, as if I'm scared of you, Macintosh.
As if I'm so freaking scared, of you going to tell the form teacher, then, so what?
The teacher didn't even talk to us to settle the problem, you suck.
You fuck up the sky so high, till you can't fall back down, idiot.
I was thinking if I could report you for threatening of using violence.
Macintosh, don't ask me what is my fucking problem.
If you want to ask, I'll ask what is your fucking problem, Macintosh.
I can't forget, I hate you and I want to fight again, I don't like this feeling you gave me.
Punch me, punch me then, why didn't you punch me?
Let things rest?
You tell me to let things rest, then why did you fought back and threaten me that you gonna punch me.
Are you being a fucker?
You can't even let things rest and you tell people to let things rest, fucking tard, Macintosh?

2010-11-01T17:34:00.002+08:00

People let things out in school, when they've problems at home.

It is circle, I mean cycle.

People who have no problems at home suffer.

It is because these people are all along be it at home or in school, they're the same person.

Boredom shouldn't be the excuse for you to say crap.

I'm glad, you said you've no time to argue with me.

But, you shouldn't have say crap when you've no time right?

You said rubbish then you asked what the fuck is wrong with me.

I don't get that.

So, I asked what the fuck is wrong with you for saying crap.

Look at what you're saying, make sure they don't hurt.

For those in life, make sure what you do don't hurt,

or else you can take back what you did, I don't owe you a thing.

He can't control the sufferings he has within himself, so he makes other suffer.

He is useless himself, he is acting like I owe him.

He has problems at home, he let it out in school, he is useless,

unable to handle things himself.

2010-10-31T20:29:00.002+08:00

Four days of long crazy classes.

8 am-11.30 am from this coming monday-thursday.

Thursday, a test between 2-4pm.

If fail, I've to give up on that subject.

I'm home.

Very likely, I'm going there to stay again.

Yes, it becomes very true, my studies weren't affected by those fights.

Maybe, I seemed cool, those people were screwing me,

my studies weren't screwed, they screwed in their studies.

I know alot of people have personalities that attract people.

Cute, innocent, humorous, sociable, flirtatious.

Inside, other people just can't see he likes to screw the weak.

He is popular, whatever he does is correct to all of you.

So I suppose, I'm meant to hurt constantly.

I'm glad, I'm in Singapore, protected under one of the strictest laws in the world.

If he does punch me, well, let's see what will happen.

It is not ideas that I have, it is those people's doings.

I can't believe 'friends' came up to the blog, just to figure out my weaknesses.

Attack me constantly in school.

Like letting my enemies know my weaknesses, then let them fight me.

First of all, they aren't friends, they just want to attack me.

I'm still cool in the end, after he threatened to punch me.

Those days, he was so happy and screwed me with what I wrote up the net,

he was trying to keep me cool.

But once, I wrote him up the net about his stupid acts, he wasn't cool at all.

Wow, even threaten to punch me.

These things will continue to haunt me till Poly/JC,

as long as the clique of his is still there, they'll continue to target me.

I sensitive, but I'm very sure of what is happening.

I'm not some ignorant, not knowing what happened, when people 'attack' me.

No one said it is easy, you're attacking me.

You bother to come here to read, because you want to attack me or else...

you won't even bother.

2010-10-31T01:04:00.002+08:00

Suppose, feeling fine.
Going back to school from Monday to Thursday. 3.5hr one day, sigh*
Now, I'm still at my god-mum's house, going back today. (Already passed 12am)
I do have a number of assignments for the holiday.
I didn't realize it myself, not until yesterday night.
I fought alot with those people on the net, not once, but several times.
I never let those fights affect my studies.
It could be just I see it in a way that those fights have nothing to do with my studies.
I put friends apart from my studies, never let them affect my studies.
I never let emotions affect my studies, those things made me stronger.
I don't know.

I know you want to target me when you come to my blog.
You want to know my weaknesses and fuck it up the moment I talk about you here.
I know.
You try to, maybe it is true people do try attack you when share problems on the net.

2010-10-29T21:22:00.002+08:00

I'm at my god-mum's house now.
I really don't know what to write today.
I really felt I lost everything.
It does not matter if she hurts me, and I can find a way to be alright.
I'm not trying to say I'm very good looking, when I'm only 14.
I don't know what it takes.
I just have to find that not everyone can be successful, people are too normal.
I just have to find that I'm normal, I don't like your dirty faces.
People didn't notice me because I simply can't be heard, they notice those speaking loudly.
Don't you find it becomes so real that people listen to you, they don't listen to me.
I'm not happy, you were never in my shoe.
They're always right, so it is my fault for getting hurt by them.
You hate me, turn around and go away.
Stop pointing at me, point yourself in the mirror.
As if I'm going to be so scared when you tell he form teacher.
Do it then, the teacher didn't even come and settle with me, you suck alot.
I'm not scared, you're just guilty, I'm not guilty.
If you want to punch me, punch me then, you're guilty, I still remember.

2010-10-28T15:11:00.002+08:00

I'll be getting my report book tomorrow.

People are just afraid they can't promote to the next level.

I just want myself to be the best, I'm just afraid I'm not.

I'm worried, I do know I won't be the best.

I won't be happy if I don't top, I'll be sad.

I'm not afraid of not being able to promote to the next level.

It is about the top, being the top.

I'm too scared, scared now.

I don't know how to hope, I can't see hope.

I want to be the top, it becomes sad when I can't.

Serious.

Nightmare, I've high hopes in myself, I'll be very sad if I'm not the top.

I don't know why am I repeating, but I'm serious.

I don't know if tomorrow will be the day I break into tears.

It is not about passing I want, I want A1(s), and I want to be the top,

or else sadness slips in, tears will well up my eyes.

I can't take it anymore, being the top.

Let tomorrow come, I'm sad, scared, and broken.

Being the top, I feel like I'll break into tears tomorrow.

I'm scared.

2010-10-27T15:56:00.003+08:00

"My life gets kinda boring

Need something that I can confess"

Sometimes, a decent guy doesn't make people around laugh.

People don't really notice him, he doesn't socialize alot.

It makes him sad that he can't find the worth of his own self.

People do put him down, when he knows those people can't even be better than him.

People do show off in front of him, he doesn't really like them.

People irritate him sometimes, he ignored as told,

and he starts thinking is it even fair to get irritated by people while studying.

He kept asking himself, why don't people irritate others, why must it be him.

He felt unfair, he felt there must be something wrong with him, you know?

I've more to write, but once you read till here, it is sad for this boy, isn't he?

He really felt he isn't good enough.

He do felt that he isn't very satisfied of what he has, he hold it together.

He likes a girl, and he is sad now.

He breaks apart in his life.

You can only read and understand, but readers never felt his actual pains.

He can't see why people worse than him, can live life happily,

when he doesn't feel fine being not good enough.

Is he enjoying his life?

Is he never meant to live?

People never cared, he sees as people love themselves too much.

Is he shy or not, I don't really know, but he is sad.

All the things up there, keep continuing, he feels them over and over again.

No one cares, it is very bad for him for these things to continue like this.

He is sad, and he don't know how to forget the pains.

2010-10-26T18:17:00.005+08:00

I'm broken apart, I guess so.
I don't know, I still dont dare to do things I thought of doing.
I hesitated awhile then decided not to do, just, just because I think it will remind me deeper into that depression.
I don't know how to get out.
I felt this way before, I just hesitate on doing things I suddenly thought that it would make my grief worse.
I can do what I want but I restrict myself from things I want to do, just want myself to stay this way and forever.
If I move on, I've to face things, and if I stay this way, maybe watching tv or something, I want to feel it is forever.
It sounds like I want to run away from reality, isn't it?
You don't understand me, do you? Simple English words, and you tell me you don't understand?
Maybe you went through what I went through, then I think I don't like this life.
A girl, myself, my life, my story.
You think it is even fair for you to hurt me with your words, like as if I owed you.
Let me tell you, your loss caused you to be like this, you're unsatisfied, and you want to blow on somebody.
It could be that you want to seek attentions.
I'm still upset over that girl, I knew that day will come anytime.
I don't know how to get over, I feel I like I don't want to move forward at all.
I look fine, but very sad, how can I heal, when I don't wish to heal out of it, you see?
I want to stay this way, sad and dark inside, while time stops forever.
I'm sad, and I want to stay this way really.
I don't want to heal, though it is painful.
You read, you understand, but you don't know the grief, and the extreme feelings I put into words.
Friday, just few more days, I'm not afraid of school or anyone, I'm just real broken,
so I'm looking forward to Friday when I'll go to to god mum's house, to sort things out.
Going there in the afternoon myself, definitely get home from school, then go.
I'm just really sad now, things are bad, hard to explain this sadness and pain, I suppose.

2010-10-25T18:01:00.003+08:00

Doesn't take alot to be not good enough.
I'm bored, it feels like someone walked away, feels like I lost something.
It feels like when I'm at home, in front of the computer, it seems like everything reminds of someone walked away.
Alot of things on the computer, songs on my iTunes, my iPod touch, screwed me, they are making recall sadness.
My heart sank up and down, down when things make recall that night, simply that night.
You know, I've been making my both iPods play each song repeatedly. Repeat 'One'.
Like A Knife, I kept playing it repeatedly, alot of times since yesterday.
I don't touch songs that I think seemed happy to me, I don't want to feel happy after that night.
I hate myself not able to say I hate you.
I screwed, at home, I don't mind being at home, I've a comfortable home, I felt that way.
Home is where I can think calmly, but home is where I get upset over what happened out there.
I laughed with my friend at school, on the way home, now I'm... taking a deep breath, sigh*
I'm finding ways to keep that sadness away, but everything I do reminds me of that night.
tv? Watching tv does make me occupied, using computers, makes me recall.
I don't know who and what I need now.
When my friend asked me something, expecting me to say something, I said less 5 words reluctantly.
That moment is when my soul isn't in me, it is dead, I don't feel like talking when I'm thinking about such things.
The moment does repeat itself.
I wish I could I feel better, not right now.
Last week of school, at least the holiday can give me time to think and SAD about it.
Especially, I'm going to stay over at my god-family's house, 3 sisters, I suppose I'll widen my thoughts.
Just this Friday, I'll go there myself.
It feels sad, looking at who and what I've left. Someone is missing.
Gone, just gone.
From the first line at the top, I've another, it doesn't take alot to be ugly.
IT TAKES TOO MUCH TO BE GOOD IN EVERYTHING, JUST TOO MUCH, MANY CAN'T HANDLE.
I'm not good enough, smart but not good enough, fuck never.
What am I doing in front of my iPod touch? Shaking my head at myself.
I shut-up, but I'm looking down at myself.
Even though I've pushed myself so far up, many can't even reach me, but I still believe I'm not good enough.
I never accept myself, if you aren't better than me, you don't need to laugh at this.
I shouldn't have live to be fucking not good enough, I shouldn't have even come here.
I hate myself.

2010-10-24T14:21:00.002+08:00

Epic fail, and I still can laugh.
Actually, it is not a thing I can laugh about.
More than five months, taking a deep breath*.
I'm sorry, you aren't good enough.
I might as well go die, wow.
Let him or her go if he or she likes another person, because you suck.
You aren't good enough.
You tell me I'm forcing you, what the hell?
Looks, so I screwed, I'm not good enough.
Time. If I can't make it, how many guys in this school can?
I'm not good enough, then.
You're so good, too good, a hundred times better than me, I'm trying to believe that.
You're so much better than me, I'm trying to believe that.
I shouldn't have live.
You changed me, then you leaving, you shouldn't have change me at the start
It is pointless, I knew this day will come, but do you care? You don't.
I don't know what I have in life. Other than loneliness.
Five months, and you didn't say a thing, just to leave me alone at the end.
Haha, I'm never good enough, what about the other guys?
Those guys are even hopeless, my parents brought me up to be someone useless.
Why don't you like me to compare? How about I tell you that I compared you with Taylor Swift?
Hilarious, you can laugh.
Yes, some girls do think they're very intelligent themselves, and guys are useless, like me.
Trying to be a little at the top, but still I'm useless.
Some guys can't even climb to that height themselves, they're worse.
You're so unconfident, I thought I'm the one, but it is you.
You did it on purpose, just to say sorry at the end. Take back your apology.
Time, studies and the other promise.
I don't see why you're so unconfident and I'm so sad.
This day will come, I know it, because I'm not good enough, guys out there are worse.
Then, why did I live, I so upset. You can laugh, but you're unconfident, I don't know why.

2010-10-23T21:01:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, sometimes I find myself screwed.

I break down over and over.

What did I screwed, maybe I should think about that.

2010-10-22T13:43:00.003+08:00

Maybe, it is true you can't really see how I felt at those moments.
From what I can see, why did I exist?
Someone told me to talk to those 'friends' who provoked me, if I don't want to lose friends.
Why am I a guy for the instant? When guys always shit around, then I get hurt.
I might as well be a girl?
I can't see why I'm in this situation.
If this what life is, then I can never hold on.
It is like as if it is my fault to even live here, can't be understood.
Bullies, and I've a huge history of getting bullied, and I always get hurt.
Why did they make it so complicated? I just don't like the way they treat me.
I'm not self-centered, you're, you'll always get more and more agressive if I don't stop you.
Always the same, I don't mind you go tell the whole wide world you hate me.
It then becomes my fault for stopping you when I can't take it anymore, don't you realize you hurt me and I can't seem to forget?
To some extent, I'm just letting you hurt me openly, at the end, you tell me that those are jokes. Fuck you.
I'm not treated as one, I don't see why I'm here for.
I can't seem to forget what you said to me.
'Huanwei is selfish and has attitude problem.'
I feel weak, when I can't deal with these things myself.
They got a problem with me getting hurt.
I'm not scared, I could have just let you step on me and not standing up for myself,
when I try to stand up for myself, you come against me.
Is it worth to beat me up?
I've things I hate about these 'friends', at times, I can't stand them, so I asked myself 'Why am I myself?'.
What is with the 'Staying positive.'?
Staying positive while letting people hurt me openly?
I can't forget, no one understand. Just wonder does this happen to girls too?
Seem not like it.
I didn't change, you changed, you treated me the way I don't like, you telling me to let go of the past?
I don't know why I always the one hurt, so I suppose I am meant to be hurt.

2010-10-21T13:41:00.006+08:00

You know things do spread like wild fire, and it gets weirder.
I suppose things are pretty hard ourselves sometimes, what is the big deal?
I mean, I laughed them out, but life gets boring.
I don't know why, it just seems like excellence is one way of how to keep myself awake.
I don't know, alright, live life happily.
You heard of this:
'Sometimes I pretend to be normal but it gets boring so, I go back to being me.'
It sounds sad. So it actually appears that I'm bored of being normal.
Therefore, I took the past and play around.
Your recognition of who someone is, is from the past and always the past, because no one can predict the future.
I don't know why did I go online and provoke people over the past, I'm bored of being alright.
I fucked up, it is not mood swing or anything like that.
Let's say, I'm alright, sometimes I just feel I want to take back things I lost from others.
Whatever, it is just a form of greed, my mind goes :
'I take back my loss. You take back yours, I don't owe you.'
Sometimes people get too off of what I can take.
I just want to know, are they bored too?
I'm sorry, if I appear selfish, it just reflects it to your own self.
Wow, you touch people's stuffs anytime you want, then when people touch your things you block that person.
This is one type of people, so it gets me confused.
I'm just behind the screen, writing onto the net, maybe a form of writer, just my way of life.
Writing life living, I think I'm too free.
People have alot to talk about,
I just don't have and wondering why people have so much to say when I can't think of anything to say.
I don't know, maybe I don't know what to say, so it becomes a fact that people who talk louder trash you.
You get me?
'Huanwei, you always think you're right!'
I didn't say I'm always right, I want to take back my loss, that's it.
People think this way, but they screwed too, they also want to take back their loss.
What did they lost? I hurt them?
It never ends, because they think I scarred on them, the hatred carries on.
You started taking the past and ask me back for your loss, then I was like WTH, it happened two years ago.
Now, you shit on me, tell me I owe you.
Then next, you told I'm the one mentioned about the past. Wow, wasn't that you who started?
'Huanwei, do you know why people always bully you?'
Am I suppose to say 'It is because they love to fuck around with me?'. HAHAHA.
I laugh at the ways you got fed up, look, you take things seriously too, not only me.
..and gossips are fake.
I've no time to argue but I've time to write.

2010-10-20T14:52:00.002+08:00

I get affected, indifferent.
Please don't get offended off this.
The word 'slut' that means to you is different to me, I follow the dictionary alright.
Guys can be around me saying they like some girls, I suppose I'm not so into it.
Not all guys, just some.
It is not that I'm holding myself too much, staying cool and shit like that.
My name carries meanings, because you know who I'm.
I can only tell you, I don't like a girl, this has nothing to reveal.
I carry a name, I brought my name up high, I make myself special, but I don't want to appear special to anyone.
It gets pretty hard, when I only see guys not working, and tell me they like some girl.
I suppose, I act like I'm surprised, so I usually ask 'What is your next move?'.
The worth I want to see in guys, is the same as of how girls see the worth in guys.
Sometimes, people do tell me they want to punch some people's faces many times.
I agree, some people are born with the face and attitude that makes others want to punch the face.
I only prefer to see people better than me, getting A1(s) with me, I don't like to be so high up there alone.
That's why, I miss class 2E4 badly, it was a wonderful class.
Show me you're better than me, I'll show my respect to you, instead just to some girl.
You can talk about girls, I'll listen with my heart, only if your studies are good.
I just can't concentrate on you talking about girls, when I don't see the excellence in you, really.
I can only act like I'm convinced, I don't know why.

2010-10-19T15:11:00.004+08:00

I don't know how a friend should be like.

I don't know what is the meaning of life.

Sometimes, when you fail in whatever,

you got to know it is not about the hard work you put in,

it is about the potential you've in you, everyone has different potential.

The brain power in you, it is fixed.

The way the process things in you, the way you get facts right.

They're all fixed.

Everyone is an intelligent being.

Some just appear to be on top on them, some appear at the bottom.

If I do have offsprings, my expectations will indeed be high.

Even though my parents do not have high expectations of me,

I've it myself, and will be on my offsprings definitely.

The worth in life I see it as, is also striving to be an intelligent being.

That's it.

2010-10-17T21:24:00.002+08:00

He'll come back to his senses?

I don't deserve friends?

I don't get it?

I've deal with him tomorrow.

Unreasonable, unfair, the over-reaction of someone's doesn't make sense.

He got friends, then he can shit around with me?

What's wrong with my way of life?

I'm not hard, people pushed too far sometimes, too much for me to even take.

We all have feelings, so if you don't want feel, I won't feel for you too.

I don't have to.

See how things go tomorrow, or is he going to push around like that day.

I don't know.

It was funny.

2010-10-16T21:10:00.002+08:00

Obviously, he is not a friend of mine, many people outside said that.
Then, people this school, said I took things back from the past and shit.
I apologized, he wasn't happy, he pushed me back and threaten to fist me. Even I'm not laughing, I'm laughing inside.
Then, I went back home, decided to fight with him on the Facebook again, then he told me to let things go and hope I learn something.
Fuck him alright?
His reaction was so big, I laughed, people saw, then on the same day he told me to let things go.
Yes, I'll repeat his line back to him 'What the fuck is you problem man?'.
If you want to fight, bring it on, don't fight half way and tell your opponent to let things go.
You're afraid or just aren't confident, yes, I've low self esteem, but I'm not scared of you.
When I blew it up onto Facebook, he told me he has 600 over friends and I've only 200 over friends.
Does that link? So what if he has so much more friends reading and don't comment?
First of all, it is not linked.
Jap(retarded name), on the taboard wrote,
'Everyone is trying to get use to being with you.'
I can only just say 'I'm also trying to get use to being with everyone.'.
I don't know why this guy made me feel like a friend even though he started to humiliate me in class for no fucking reason.
He is not a friend at all, I'm always the victim, people like to make me the victim, and that's true.
Fuck those people alright?
Alot of retarded people out there, treated you so mean, then when you're hurt, they act being nice to you.
It doesn't make sense, but this how people are in my school, yes, my school.
I'm not bringing back the past to shit around, look, I don't hurt unless they hurt me.
Like someone said 'We all have feelings.'.
So if you don't want people to hurt you, don't hurt others.
You got a problem there? Some barking like a dog, and some being an overeactor on the spot.
It doesn't mean you've friends means you will win me, no, fuck them, they don't talk sense.
Just because you've alot of friends, you take over my life, in other words which may make me feel like a weakling, bullying.
I'm not happy of how you treat me, that's it, and when I don't like it, very high chances I'll write it here,
that's me, that's the same me two years ago. You don't know me?

2010-10-15T18:49:00.003+08:00

Someone said,
everyone has their home and school personalities.
Meaning, their personalities change when they reach home from school
and change back again when they go back to school.
They became two different person.
I always have been the same person, be it in at home or in school.
Sometimes, small little matter, you may make someone rage at you over that.
Yes, you triggered that person's line, but right to you, the reaction shouldn't be so enormous.
That won't make sense.
Sometimes or maybe in many, people are gradually affected by problems at home, so they rage them out, when they're in school over a small trigger.
I always have been the same person two years ago, I write thoughts and happenings onto here,
then people get offended because I wrote them up, like I'm badmouthing them here, or just afraid to be famous?
Then, there was an idiot, tagging the board, saying I'm ugly.
Then? Does that matter?
You cursed my leg breaks in future, how about my turn to curse now?
I've been the same person, constantly put down by those people. I'm not trying to be a victim, look at who you're making as a victim.
Enormous reactions over small triggers, they must have problems at home.
Everyone has problems at home, everyone, alot of them rage them out in school.
It is none of my concern, I don't take your rage.
-Insulting someone's mum when I didn't.
-Insulted five times, he is exaggerating, and he I said I'm the who is exaggerating
-He told me to let this go and hope I learn something.
- It just makes me confused, and I learnt nothing, other than seeing your big reaction I kept laughing at.
-Aren't you a menace? Really a menace.
-You had your reaction so huge yesterday, then today you told to let it go and learn from it?
-What the hell? Then you told in front of half your friends that you're threatening me, you admitted yourself.
-Hold yourself together, please. Anyway, threatening people is wrong anyway, it is against some school rules.
-Worse still to come, threatening of using force, that's worse than just threatening itself.
-You threatened the school security, and when you're outside doing this type of things, you already broke the laws. Police will handle you, then.
-Dangerous being.

2010-10-14T12:42:00.002+08:00

I apologized.

He wasn't happy, he pushed me back, had his fist on my face.

Just trying to warn me if this happen again, his fist will go down straight to my face.

His fist going straight down to my face, you read that?

Oh, I insulted your mother?

Did I?

If he was the one who said "Don't your mum teaches you manners?",

I wouldn't be over-reacting like he does.

I was white laughing today when he talked so loud, till everyone around hears him.

He even said if this is his country, he would have finish me off with his fist.

I laughed, threatening people is wrong already, fisting people is even wrong.

You've no wrong pointing at me and scolded me in front of the whole class for me...

putting your little water bottle under the table?

You're making me laugh, you know why people help you.

It is because you just don't talk sense like them.

When I was laughing as he shits all his words out, he said "You take everything as a joke.".

Who is the one who said I'm taking things too seriously? Him.

He is so uncool, just like a raging fire, like I'm going to be scared of him.

Raging fire, yet I'm laughing at that fire.

I'm just not afraid, I don't know why.

He cursed my leg to be broken in the future, and what again.

He was pushing me around with his hands, and he said those are not actions.

HAHAHA.

He makes it up so cool.

When my leg breaks, he will laugh, that's his revenge, but I won't give a shit.

He thinks he is so cool to push me back and said "What's your fucking problem?"

Pushed again and said "What's you fucking problem?".

Continue~

Scaring me with his fist.

Oh, I'm so scared. I'm scared of your fist.

Funny, real funny. Read this again and again, and you'll laugh.

2010-10-13T19:59:00.002+08:00

Wash them away.

Let my apologies reach you, then.

2010-10-11T21:35:00.004+08:00

I will be switching off the wake up school alarm tomorrow, no school on Wednesday for me.
delete the examination timetable from 'Notes' on my iPod.
Exams are just common obstacles for students, but for me..
I work my way out.
Just push it, show the 'I can't be fucked' face while doing the papers.
Act some cool shit, like you know magic to the questions.
On this blog, I can say I'm not good enough, I'm lousy and things like that.
But, have you ever wondered why am I always putting myself down when I'm better than many of you.
People who are reading this may be even worse than me, but they don't put themselves down like I do.
I don't know why I always feel lousy with whatever I have, be it results or physical appearance.
Even though, I'm better than many out there reading this blog, I still put myself down.
I don't know, you don't have to pity me if you know I'm better than you.
It is reasonable saying it this way.
It could be just that I can't accept myself, I always want to do the better.
Over and over, I'm not good enough, and I put myself down, for myself to climb up again and again.
Instead of like some people, so arrogant of who they're and where they're standing.
Simply, they aren't good enough, I don't like arrogant people.
Last two more papers tomorrow and..
Hope for the best and it is time to shut it out.
I don't like to put things in a positive tone.
I will just put them in between or turn them till they sound negative.
I don't share positive things on this blog, bad things may happen anytime, anywhere.
There is no point staying happy when there's always a possibility things will turn negative tomorrow and..
there are so many tomorrows.
I don't dare to look too positive in life, life would be bored and lifeless that way.
I'm don't appear sad in front of friends, but the way I felt when blogging, these feelings came out.
This is where honest things come from me.

2010-10-10T19:40:00.004+08:00

English : B4

MT : D7

E Math : A2

A Math : D7

Science : A1

Core Geography : B4

Combine Humanities : A2

L1R4 :13

L1R5 : 20

I can go and bang wall already.

This type of target.

I'm estimating them under worst case scenario.

I purposely estimated that I fail A Math.

I may fail, I don't know.

Combine Humanities, I don't know A1 or A2, so worst case scenario is A2.

Every subject I estimated is under the very worst case scenario.

I feel so lousy, really.

Why is it all about looks?

What will those stupid and ugly people do out there?

So, what if you're someone smarter than the others, people won't see you as anything.

You know how worthless it feels inside when you don't know what is good on yourself?

You feel like you aren't good in anything.

People are born smarter and more beautiful than you, what is your worth then?

No one wants you, you can only tell yourself "I know I suck alot.".

It feels real bad, feeling the worthlessness inside.

I just don't know how people worse than me can still live life happily.

Being happy always and you won't make progress in life.

A fact you have to know.

Maybe, living life is partly about fun.

But, living is life to me is more on capabilities of oneself.

Capabilities and physical appearances (I don't know, you may need them?)

That's why I feel real bad now, I don't feel good.

Sigh..

2010-10-10T00:32:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, Saturday,

Dad brought us to IMM to exchange our Set-Top box with HubStation HD.

It is working, and it is pretty cool.

Even the remote control for HubStation HD can control my television.

One remote control for two things.

Do recording, and it is more responsive than our previous one.

Sometimes, I wonder why do I have this type of comfortable life when my dad...

isn't someone rich.

My mum isn't working.

Why did my dad gave us this type of life?

He cares.

I've a fast and efficient desktop bought back in Dec 2007.

Duo Core 2.4GHz

2GB ram

Window Vista Home Premium 32 bit OS

At that point of time, in year 2007, who got this type of desktop?

There are, but not many.

About 6 months later, he bought another desktop to replace his old PC.

He bought the new PC for me first, before he bought his own one.

When my old Monitor went faulty, he bought another ViewSonic monitor for my birthday.

He shares his PC with my sis, while this is mine, they rarely touch it.

I know he isn't rich, he is just working hard, and his pay doesn't add on,

He just struggles to give us a better life.

Home Wifi, two Desktops, and now, HubStation HD.

Looks like everywhere in the house, I'm connected to the internet.

He isn't rich but he giving me this type of life.

An unconditional love of a parent to his/her child~

2010-10-08T20:38:00.003+08:00

Since, I'm a little free now.

Let me write.

Do you want to know why I never mention about tests/exams for so long?

I don't like to share about my studies anymore.

Not that it is deproving, just unwilling.

Just something inside that makes me unwilling to share.

I feel jealousy every now and then.

Not over things that I don't have and people have.

I satisfied of what I have.

Just over some girl, what and who else?

I'm not saying the trust isn't there.

Sometimes, I tend to think too far, I felt like I lost some trust.

Actually, it is just how I felt sometimes, but it is not true.

All of sudden, I can feel lonely inside.

There may be people around accompanying me but I'll sometimes feel lonely inside.

At those moments, I can't continue the conversations with the friends.

Just like a stopped responding program.

Nodding my head, then keep quiet, no smile, nothing.

I felt like I lose the trust I'm holding and she's holding a little on.

That's only a feeling but it is not true.

Really, it does hurt a little, feeling the sharp pain inside.

It is not hurting but I think it is hurting, like an illusion, you know?

stop here...

2010-10-06T15:37:00.002+08:00

In what way, I'm selfish?

Yes, I created a big scene on Facebook which alot of people are using.

People know I know, but just chose not to ask me, you know?

They chose to ask people whom they know the people don't know.

Sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Just a way of getting attention.

Do you know what I was hoping?

I was hoping I could be someone who these things never happen.

Two years have passed, this person fucked it up so loud, on Facebook.

Telling me he didn't forgive me and asked so what?

What so what?

These people can't take the blame, and of course, their other friends join them.

What else?

Continue what fight?

Oh, you told me if I want to continue the fight, you'll definitely win right?

Do you know why you'll definitely win?

What you only know to do is chunk rubbish into my mouth.

But still, they don't make sense because they're simply rubbish.

Whatever I said, you pretended you don't understand, actually you understood.

Do you know why this fight will never end if I continue?

It is because fighting with them is just like fighting bunch of substitutes.

Each substitute trying to help the other, but still, ended up talking rubbish.

The substitutes just can't talk sense for their friend at all.

What they do is just throwing bunch of rubbish onto your face, thinking they'll win the game.

If only they learn to talk sense and not throw rubbish to win, then the fight is worth fighting.

You can make it up so big, I'll make it up even bigger.

For the good ones, I just want to say I'm not threatening or any shit.

If only they show some self-respect, talk sense to fight on, I'll be in this game.

Untitled

2010-10-04T20:56:00.007+08:00

You know I'm just someone who wants stand between the good and bad.
You know, stand in between good and bad friends.
People whom I thought are bad became good.
Why don't you just look at yourself in the mirrior?
Not only you did you brought whole gang up, you think it is so cool to scold bunch of hokkien vulgarities.
This type of people are nearly extinct now a days, everyone is educated.
So, if you want to be one of the endangered species, then let yourself be the special one.
It doesnt matter if I got the guts to stand up to you or to whoever,
as long as I put my words well into place for what I want to say, you can't talk me off.
You only talk me off, by chunking the past rubbish into my mouth, but you fail all the time.
Sharing lies, said things that I said to you when I didn't say them before, I love those 'friends'.
So, I believe it to gets some point, some people just believe you badmouths and joined you to be anti-Huanwei.
Really funny huh?
So what if I'm badmouthing you?
If you dare to hurt me or whoever out the world, why must you be scared that the people you hurt will badmouth you?
Such a failure.
How can you tell me again that I'm taking things too seriously?
I changed, be it a little or alot, I've changed.
I tried so hard to change to someone I wasn't, and you now you telling me I took things to seriously.
What kind of justice is this?
You're just overboard. You don't mind me asking 'Your mum didn't teach you manners?'.
You've feelings, I've too, I'm just like you, so don't try to think I'm someone higher position than you who don't like to be mess with.
I able to take jokes, and ended laughing so loud, people get confused.
They thought I'm suppose to be sad, not happy, they're half wrong.
It is more of because of those people I mixed with that make me sad, in some other people's words, emo.
I don't know what, I can just say whatever I feel onto here, just to let you agree or disagree.
There's this guy who told me on Facebook that he will remember I'm just selfish and I've attitude problem.
Let it be then, let the whole gang of yours..believe you.
This person whom I mentioned on top, the always scolding vulgarities.
Insulted me and felt so offended when I wrote him up the blog of mine, then the whole gang came up to me on Facebook.
If you're daring enough to insult, you don't have to scared to written up the blog.
Then, he asked do I know why people always bully me.
Really funny huh?
Those are insults and they aren't jokes which I can laugh at.
He/they think(s) that's going to make me ashame on Facebook.
About two years, I reported bullying cases to the Discipline Master(DM).
They think sharing these things is going humiliate and make me ashame.
If you want to make me ashame, I put up all the mean words you said to me up here.
I'm not threatening you, this is just my blog, I'll just write all the mean words people said to me that hurt me up here.
What is wrong with that?

At least, better than you sharing the lies to everyone right? I'm sharing more of realities?
First, you humiliated me in front of your Facebook friends, about things I shouldn't have done, like complain to the DM about bullying cases.
Second, you came in a gang to talk the shit, that you really makes you cool huh?
Third, you insulted me on the past rubbish, why don't you reflect on what you insulted me first?
I couldn't hold it but to show the act cool smile* now.
Jokes are jokes, insults are insults, humiliations are humiliations, you better know the difference and not get mixed up.
Oh ye, you can act so cool with your 'perfect' English, I love your English too.
I don't know, just a girl, makes me feel jealousy, I never felt it before.
She is just behind me, I don't know how to turn back to her in the crowd.
We only face to face honestly in the shadow.
In the crowd, I feel jealousy, that's all, they think that is going to break me down.
I'm being honest about it, so I admit I feel jealousy.

Untitled

2010-10-03T20:54:00.005+08:00

It won't be nice nor cool to fight on.
Let me stop.
I don't know why people felt so offended over whatever up here.
I just posted what they insulted me on Facebook, what is wrong with that?
Then, he brought the whole gang of his up to help him up on Facebook to push me.
Talking about the past rubbish.
They said things like :
When I'm in National Service, people insult me, I'll call police say they abuse me.
Really funny huh?
Don't you dare say I screwed you and your friends.
They insulted me on some people's status, then I wrote onto the blog the next day.
That's what I usually do, you don't know me?
I write happenings that made me upset up here.
You just aren't happy with me writing up here about your mean words you said to me.
If you dare to hurt, don't be scared to written up here.
Don't say things like I badmouthed you and your friends up here.
I didn't, I'm just putting the words you said to me up here.
I'm not trying to be mean, I write things that upset me here.
I'm not lonely, I just don't like when you talk just to spit on me.
Her words just want me to fight on, but I don't know how fight on, when people don't even admit they were the one to blame.
You screwed me and you telling I screwed you and your friends.
Then, you still dare to tell me that I'm scolding you on my blog.
I tried to believe you, but I just realised I'm just writing happenings that upset me onto the blog.
Nothing wrong with that.
If you think here is what you call 'lonely blog', let it be then.
If you dare to say things that hurt, then you shouldn't be scared or unhappy when I wrote what you said to me right?
Why must you be scared and unhappy?
The worse thing is you brought your whole gang up against one.
Fine, I don't know if I'm alone.
But, the words from this girl want me to fight on, so it gets pretty hard on me.
Should I just walk away or should I fight on..
Maybe I'm not that aggressive as a guy should be, like them, but that doesn't mean they can kick like no one's shit.
Fight or walk away..

2010-10-02T20:57:00.003+08:00

It is just my way of letting things out when I feel hurt.
Who are the ones who hurt me first?
If they can hurt me, why do they have to scared and unhappy about me badmouthing them here.
Here is what they call 'lonely blog', they're just being lame themselves.
I got pushed to a point on Facebook, when I can't say anything.
Those people are just talking about lame things.
One got offended, the whole gang ganged me out. Interesting eh?
Why does it take more than 2 just to bully some weak?
It is like 6-8 people ganged out some weak.
They're being weak themselves, if someone is daring to stand for himself, he can come up to me.
He attracted the whole gang here to gang me off. All of them talking about lame shits.

Many of you told me delete them off my Facebook, but she seems like she wants me to fight on.
Who should I listen? 6-8 ganging against some weak, that weak just has to back off or he's dead.
For the sake of someone being a coward and called the whole gang up to gang me out.
He needs the whole gang to help him, but I only need just this girl.
That's it.
He is weak, then he was so happy when he brought the whole gang up against me on Facebook.
So funny, truly.
She is just girl, that's all I need, and this person needs the whole gang!!
I just can't stop repeating, I'm really laughing.
If you want to fight, don't bring your whole gang up. I have just a girl.
Not physical fight but Facebook big gang fight. 6-8 vs 1 with a girl behind him.
I'm laughing, how funny people can be attracting the whole gang to push some weak away.
I don't attract, but just happen to have some girl behind.
Funny, looking at them taking things so seriously, I dont have to fight at all.
I don't know where this girl came from, outer space? I don't know.
Ye, I'm a guy but just not a guy in heart.

2010-10-01T14:03:00.005+08:00

Since you brought that thing up onto Facebook.

Let me share what happened during Secondary One.

I reported myself for being bullied, the people still have their hatred in them.

I felt so ashamed. I felt so ashamed for being bullied, I'm weak.

It showed that I'm weak, letting people bully me.

He can say things like

'dude we stopped this and forgetted abt u... u started it again .... besides... yeah we weren't rly ur friends... so wt? we are rougher and more aggresive... thats us...its not wrong for us... WE ARE BOYS... dunt know wt u are though...'

Reported for being bullied is suppose to solve the problem, but it never stop.

If wasn't he brought that thing up..

I felt so ashamed for being bullied, I'm just weak.

I might as well go die, ashamed of all the bullying taken place when I was Secondary One.

People might just see me as someone weak, that's all.

I've no reputation, sharing this to everyone that I was bullied,

just makes people think I'm weak.

I don't know why I can't stand for myself, and let people bully me.

I'm weak in everyone's eyes, no one went through before, they don't know.

I bet you never went through before, only I went through, that's it.

You don't understand me, you think I'm weak.

I've a home and also some other people's child too, just like you.

But, I'm out here to be bullied, a guy who can't stand for himself.

I felt so ashamed for being bullied, I still feel so weak.

I can just sit there in the class, and no one notices me.

It is because I'm weak got bullied.

Those people who bullied me, still targets me on Facebook.

What for? Back for revenge?

I'm weak, I might as well go and die.

Even this KZ and join the club, everyone just want to come back for revenge.

When I reported, my dad was involved, and these people just aren't happy with me.

They still carry the hatred in them, so it is my fault when they bullied me right?

All my fault for them to bully me, I'm hurt for the bullying cases, but they now still showing that it was my fault.

So, it is my fault for getting bullied, I'm born to be bullied.

I'm weak, you can only look down on me, you don't feel or understand a thing at all.

It is because I'm weak for getting bullied.

I was 12, but I got bullied, and I can't handle it myself, the bullying got really bad.

But still, it was still my fault because I'm weak.

I got pushed so far, so hard, that I ever thought of suiciding, simple as that.

But, you still won't believe.

It was really bad. What these people did to me was really bad.

I feel so bad, I'm weak.

So they can say things like

'hahahahaha ltr he go ns ,kena scolded, he go complain to police, say ppl abuse him LOL'

'huan wei- let us just put it in this way,i dont like you at all,and i never will forget your selfishness as well as attitude problem:) dont say you dont have..'

I'm still getting bullied two years later, I'm always getting bullied.

But, people can just see that I'm weak.

The way the bullies treat me are always right, so it is my fault for getting bullied.

I feel so bad.

2010-09-29T17:29:00.004+08:00

I don't know much of this.
But, whether I'm good or bad, I felt..
You know the meaning of 'egotism'?
It means : the belief that you are much better or more important than other people
In Chinese, it is something like what they call it, 自我.
I don't know am I like that, I did shared with my dad over that word.
I know I don't appear ego to my parents, but to others, I don't know.
Friends, are friends, but I'll definitely take care of myself first, everybody does.
Proud? I'm not, I'm tired, I'm bored.
Could you imagine friends who lied to you that they're going home first then come back later, just to throw you aside away from them?
I realized they didn't go home at all, they turned back and I was left alone sitting somewhere.
It happened just yesterday.
You always think you understood, but you didn't went through all these things, you never experienced them before.
I'm here to be hated, tricked, pushed away but when I say all these things, you think I'm an emo.
You think it is just of my brain, I'm in the wrong.
You can see they don't treat me as one, I'm some shit to them.
I did wrong always to you, that's what those people always do.
They're my friends? I'm nothing, you're too selfish.
I can't take it anymore, did it happen to you? No.
Then, there is this guy telling me he is not my friend anymore because I don't seem to forget.
Forget what? I just mentioned about broken friendships yesterday, this is it.
I think he meant forgetting people's mean doings.
I might as well go and die now, so it is my fault if you don't like me to talk things out.
I don't know what the girls think, they can't help either, I just can't stand for myself.
They only can see me being disturbed, and I can't fucking stand.
Ye, I'm breaking friendships, if I made you hate me as a friend, go continue.
I let it all out to find out people don't like me to let it out.
If I keep them inside, I can't take it. If I let it out, I lost friends, and I felt ok.
But still, now I'm not ok when now I lost friends and made people hate me alot.
I can't take it inside, I just don't like to be treated those ways.
Self-centered? Am I?
How about you?
Self-centered to call people self-centered when you can't even accept self centered people, as if you're really open.
Look at how the people treat me and how much I hate the ways people treat me.
I shouldn't have live being treated these ways by friends.
I'm not the only one who is hurt constantly, but I do know I'm hurt over how those friends treat me.
I can't take it.

2010-09-28T17:32:00.003+08:00

You make me think I'm selfish, I'm sensitive.
That's all you ever did till today, you just didn't think of what you said did make sense a not. You suck?
Like he said I'm stingy. If I'm stingy, why would I even want lend him at the first place?
Moreover, that's mine, I don't feel safe for him to take it so far, so I wanted to take back.
Stop being a Primary One kid telling me 'Huanwei, you're not my friend anymore.'.
There are so many people in the class have iToches and iPhones, but they won't lend you at all.
I'm the only one in class who is willing to lend you, but when I want it back, give it back.
Don't tell me I'm stingy, because other people wouldn't have lend you at all.
Unreasonable people are everywhere and I'm not trying isolate myself and be an emo.
They don't talk sense.
This is just one type of people, there more of unreasonable people out there.
World is just going crazy and messed up.
Don't take my things whenever you like without permission.
Don't talk just to spit on me, just mind your words
When I say no, don't tell me I'm stingy.

I may be someone who can't have problems inside him for long.
I can't take problems inside me well, I'll go crazy.
Very obviously, I'm like sharing my problems to everyone, to the public.
Someone told me that I'm type of person.
Is it wrong to do this? Besides, making people think I'm an emo, am I offending people?
Is it wrong? I can't keep people's mean doings to me in me for long.
I broke friendships doing this. Indeed, I broke them.
Maybe, I'm the one to blame?
People out there with friends can get along so well, while I'm just a sensitive bitch being so different.
Am I a loner? I don't know, but I don't like to be alone, it makes me want to go home.
I feel so insecure when I'm alone, making me wanna go home.
Home is where I feel safe being myself.
I broke friendships, people have their friendships out there while I broke alot of mine.
I don't know if I'm a loner, but I know I don't like to be alone.
I tried fitting in, it doesn't always fit well, and I get hurt over that.
I let troubles out, making people felt offended, and my friendships are broken.
I broke them myself, my fault.
I'm a person who can't keep troubles in him.

2010-09-27T22:36:00.002+08:00

It is late.
I wanted to make this short.
10.37pm

Going after those beautiful people, you've thoughts that people aren't as beautiful,
right as if you're so beautiful. I'm bored of this type life.
Many are like that.

These things I wrote are my thought, uncommon thoughts that people don't usually think and share about.
Some read them, and think I'm weird.
They just don't understand or maybe they aren't smart enough to even understand.
Really, people love talk so loud when they aren't smart enough to understand things.
I don't know why.
If you believe me, you can come up to me.
I get things out my chest by sharing but you still don't have much solutions to help me.
It is because it is everyone's way of life.
I'm not negative, I'm sick and tired of the way of life. It doesn't make sense! Really.
I'm tired..really..tired..of this life.

2010-09-26T15:08:00.002+08:00

Selfishness?

If others push me, I'll push it back.

Crap faces with all sorts of attitudes.

If you want to have that attitude, do it in front of the mirror to your reflection.

Everyone denies their own mistakes.

People are trying to make everyone believe them.

So if you're telling me that everyone lies, just in the matter of who can lie better.

Indeed, you're living in lies?

You pushed too far of how you should look at lies.

Some love to lie, others lie for some reason(s).

I don't lie for the sake of me loving lying, I don't like to lie.

Sometimes, people's words are so serious, they want things to be their way.

I just don't want, because they don't make things the way I wanted before.

So obviously, they only think of themselves.

I do, I'm very protective of myself, I don't give.

But, I don't take much either.

Believe me, people just don't feel like helping me, because they don't want to?

If you don't believe, then how can I convince you?

Sucked up people?

The truth is when people don't like you, they mean it.

Of course,

you can't just accept when people say they don't like you, you'll ignore them instead.

The real fact is, they don't like you, simple as that?

So it gets to a point that you'll get hurt.

It is better that I shut up.

2010-09-25T22:58:00.005+08:00

Since I chose to let things out, shouldn't there be a reason?
For these actions, I do know I would have offended some people.
I'll make people leave me.
I still purposely let all the dirty things out, even though I know the consequences.
I continued, I don't know why I did it.
Just for me to feel better?
People just like to pick on me, because they just love to?
Believe me, or how can I convince you?
They only see the problems they have with me, but they don't see who created them.
It is unfair for me, just unfair.
Since, so many people know about me sharing all these things, they all should have their own impression of me.
Some don't understand, some don't believe, some don't bother and some think I'm still in the wrong.
It always end up with someone who disturb me, I can't take it, I let it out, then they are unhappy with me letting things out.
I didn't take things seriously, I just can't held them inside, I'm sorry?
Whenever I let them out for everyone to know, I'm actually tearing friendships apart. I know.
What do you want me to do? Keep everything to myself?
I can't, I'm sorry, I can't take when I kept it inside, I get hunted down over and over again.
You know I can't get myself torn non-stop for the sake of friendships right?
Actually, these friendships aren't real ones at all, will these people stay for long?
I closed my eyes and I just kept thinking I'm useless, I felt knives slicing my heart.
I can't take it, no one cares, believe me when I say 'No one cares for me.'.
Do friends care? I think they just don't bother.
People faces are always telling you to shut up, so it is better you shut up?
Do they want act big or what other thing?
Could the blame just lying on me not the others?
But, how can that be?
I really can't stand.

2010-09-24T19:06:00.002+08:00

I can't stop writing sad stuffs?
Maybe that could be just that I'm very bored.
At home,
I'm just holding this device around the house to listen music, Facebook, blogging, get on the net, and Tap Tap.
Small things that I can do with this device, then I don't have to be in front of computer for so long.
There seems to have more things to do at home than outside?
I can't think of anything more to say today?
Stop here.

Untitled

2010-09-23T21:30:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I felt I'm not myself when people are themselves.
So, just to attract people's attentions, people talk loudly.
While, I shut up because I'm bored.
Am I sad or am I not?
I'm sick of myself, all I ever felt were:
-I'm not good enough, I'm very bad.
-I've no one to really believe how I felt, I guess need some acceptance.
-I want to fall, I want to drop, I can't really hold.
-I'm just a sensitive bitch surrounded by people saying trash words, with all sorts of faces and attitudes.
-Even ugly people out there, short, fat or skinny posts bad comments behind you.
-Obviously, I can't stand. If I tried to keep them inside, those memories will hunt me down over and over.
-It is all sorts of outer lies I have, showing you I'm happy but..

I was laughing and laughing whole day in school.
You know how it felt inside? Just too much for me to take.
Since young, I realized whenever I'm exhausted, I'll start to have alot of bad thoughts.
After I took a nap or a night sleep, everything heals.
Indeed, I'm tired today, but it still feels like I so sure the thoughts I have now are so true.
I don't know what I want to expect from myself, I did better stay at home.
I'm not sad person when I'm at home, I feel much better, I'm myself.
Instead of going to school with that fake self of mine, I feel so uncomfortable.
Do you believe me?
I'm not happy, I'm not good enough, I can't take it.
Am I exhausted, that's why?
Why am I thinking like that? It is so true, I'm sick of myself.
I should be asking myself 'Am I ok?'.
If not, then am I able to come to a point when I won't feel this way anymore?
People doing their best and being at their best looks, praying they'll make it in life.
Some eventually breaks down.
Just trying stay cold when I've fallen apart inside, for what?
I don't know, since then I can't take bad comments, but this is the world.
Fight like that? I'm not good enough, I'm lousy.
I've fallen apart tonight, just like that.

2010-09-22T15:37:00.002+08:00

Should I just..

I can't think of anything.

I'm stuck.

What is it that I'm..

A person of what?

Don't know what I want to say.

Alot spinning.

Sometimes, I felt I'm losing my defend.

I wasted time, as I looked back.

Problems with parents? No.

Things I have and the family members I have around, are just fine.

Personal money problem? No.

Don't know how you look at me.

I just don't know why I'm thinking like that, in this way, when everything and the people around are fine.

People around me as in my family members and love ones, excluded friends.

I've things I wanted, I don't have parents who always shout at me, quarrel, so why am I thinking this way.

I do know some parents always shout at their children, failing to understand them, do not know how to deal with their children.

But, I don't have parents like that, my parents are fine.

I've been asking myself, why am I be thinking this way when I from an alright family background.

I shouldn't be upset over things, I should be a fine person because I came from an alright family?

Maybe, I'm already a fine person?

I shouldn't, I shouldn't be..

I'm suppose to be fine.

Untitled

2010-09-21T15:49:00.001+08:00

If only I could keep everything inside, I wont be feeling what I'm feeling now.
Life gets really boring.
I don't look like how I felt inside, the face doesn't show.
'Huanwei, you ok?'
'Ye', I went back to my seat.
Only then, I know so well inside, things aren't right.
What is there to be happy about? Laugh and smile at retarded things, I should asked myself 'Am I faking?'.
So boring, I let myself shut up awhile, and waited.
I waited and waited, I feel so empty minded.
Am I sharing about strange stuffs?
My life is so boring, feels like I'm figuring the meaning of it.
Up my head, it is waiting for something, but I don't know what is it.
I only know the life living is boring, I'm tired of it already.
Things I laughed and smiled at, were nothing, I'm bored.
Sometimes, which I can't deny, I feel insecure, what else?
If that's what life living is about, being a little thick-skinned for the sake the thick-skinned people, how I should start changing?
How do I look at life? I wonder too.
Happy, sad or boring? Boring.
So much boring, I can't deny.
If your life is about spending time with your friends, flirting with guys and girls, then I suppose it is good.
Me, I shouldn't be explaining, I should keep keep everything inside, by right.
It reminds me of the song 'Secrets' by OneRepublic.
Just to change to someone I tried to be, being thick-skinned just like you, so hard.
I don't feel like hurting people.
If you can give out your opinions, why can't I?
You give mean opinions, everyone believes you , while I can't or else people fuck me up.
This type of life, won't you get tired?

Untitled

2010-09-20T22:18:00.001+08:00

I was texting while waiting for the an online Tap Tap game room to start.
Then, I heard the song started play already, then I quickly put my phone down and took up my iPod.
Still good, I didn't miss the first few beats even I trying to hold properly and play.
That's not the main thing.
As I was playing the song, I loved the song rhythm alot, sounds like I heard before.
I don't know the song name and title, if it wasn't for the sake of texting someone!
I loved that song, I went YouTube just to listen to search whatever random songs in the game rooms just now.
I can't recall, which room was it in and I've no idea of the song title and artist .
I searched randomly, I can't find that song.
The rhythm is very nice but I forgot the rhythm too.
I remembered nothing for that song.
How am I suppose to find?!
I wanna find that song! I loved it alot man.